The Love Shack Read Online Free PDF Page A

millimetre of breathing space; Armani chinos) is aware of it.
    Everything about him is smooth: his hair, his voice, even his teeth look as though they’ve been polished with Mr Sheen. He invites us to sit down and insists on pouring the tea for us. I can see why clients would love him.
    ‘So, ladies,’ he says, clasping his hands together and making the twinkliest of eye-contact. ‘ Condoms .’ He pronounces the word animatedly. Sadie crosses her legs.
    ‘Johnnies,’ he continues, with a flourish. ‘Rubbers, French letters, sheaths . . .’
    Sadie visibly relaxes when he stops. But it’s only a momentary intermission.
    ‘Joy Bags, Close Combat Socks, Gentlemen’s Jerkins . . .’ Then he smiles benignly. Sadie and I exchange glances. ‘One thing’s for sure, there are a heck of a lot of euphemisms for one of these .’
    He pulls out a Bang condom packet – the brand we’re working on – and starts twiddling it round in his fingers. ‘Question is, how can we make Bang Condoms the UK’s diving suit of choice?’
    ‘Would you like us to show you our thoughts so far?’
    He opens his arms wide. ‘Can’t wait. Your reputations precede you, ladies. I’m . . . excited .’ There’s something terribly unsettling about the way he says that.
    I turn over the first scamp, hopefully to blow him away with our ideas, when I am sharply interrupted.
    Pthwww!
    I know it’s the condom deflating. Sadie knows it’s the condom deflating. Sebastian, on the other hand, can only come to the conclusion that the origin of this outburst is one of the two of us.
    He shifts in his seat, glancing between us, clearly trying to work out which of us has consumed an abundance of broccoli and baked beans for breakfast.
    I hastily decide to move on and pray he assumes he’s imagined it.
    At this stage, we produce three concepts – a safe option, something more edgy and the one we like the best. I go for safe first, as always – the Volvo of condom adverts.
    ‘We saw this one as being entirely animated,’ I explain. ‘It’s a quirky take on boy meets girl—’
    ‘Let me stop you there.’ I do as I’m told. ‘I’m going to say something . . . radical.’ Sebastian opens his mouth.
    Pwththhh!
    I grab the sides of my seat and start jigging it about. ‘Damn chair,’ I apologise. ‘It’s always squeaking. Sorry. Carry on.’
    He narrows his eyes then continues, ‘We’re not having a safe option.’
    ‘Oh. Okay,’ I reply, interested, while Sadie’s brow furrows deeper.
    ‘Here’s my thinking. Condoms are safe, by definition, so we need to be edgy to counter-balance that. Edgy is the only way to go on this. We don’t give them the usual three choices. We give them: edgy, edgier, and so edgy they’re a step away from falling off a cliff.’
    Sadie can’t contain herself. ‘But we’ve spent weeks—’
    ‘We’ll show you our “edgy” first then,’ I interrupt, taking out the next scamp. ‘In this one, the tone is different. We’re at a club. We’ve got a Hed Kandi-type soundtrack. We’ve got dancers here and—’
    ‘Ladies, this is not edgy,’ he proclaims. ‘This is predictably edgy. The twisted Utopia theme, the post-apocalyptic, narcissistic atmosphere. I bet you’ve even thrown in a couple of kissing lesbians, haven’t you?’
    The answer is no, but I don’t get a chance to tell him.
    Pwtthh!
    He grits his teeth and just looks appalled by both of us now, but carries on regardless. ‘Predictably edgy and edgy are not the same thing at all. What I want is . . . unpredictability.’
    Sadie has stopped breathing. And I must admit, I’m not feeling great about having weeks’ worth of work dismissed before he’s even looked at them properly.
    ‘Now. Who is the last person you’d expect to be advertising condoms?’
    Pwthw— ‘Gloria Hunniford?’ Sadie blurts out, in a desperate bid to distract him. To be fair, it works.
    Sebastian raises his eyebrow, puts his hand on his chin and nods