The Life I Now Live Read Online Free PDF Page B

grocery store, fearing shadows and passing cars, until daylight settled on the car.
    I still had nightmares. I don’t know. I didn’t mind dying, but I had a baby now. And yes, I didn’t want anything to happen to her. Maybe it was all in my head. 
    In my head or not, I wanted to call Patrick, but I refused. Really needed to wait and see if I missed him. Test out the waters and see if I loved him or if that was all in my head too.
    I grabbed some produce from a local farmer’s market and some milk and eggs, then headed back home with Riley. She never made a peep. Such a sweetie. 
    I took her inside the house, then came back to get the food. After I got everything put away I took Riley upstairs to give her a bath and noticed a pair of Patrick’s pants on my bed. I didn’t remember getting them out and panicked again.
    So I texted Miranda. Hey, can you come over? I have a strange feeling someone is stalking me.
    Are you serious? she messaged back.
    Yeah. You busy?
    Be there in fifteen.
    I undressed Riley and sat her in the tub. A door closed downstairs. Quietly. But I still heard it. I picked Riley up, locked the bathroom door, put her back in the bath, and tried to calm my heart rate. Pretty sure my heart wanted to climb out of my chest and into my throat, but got stuck and decided to throb in my ears.
    I hated being a single mother. Hated it. People thought I handled myself so well. And maybe I did, but not at night. Alone. In a dark house with creaky sounds. Patrick tried to convince me that I was imagining sounds. I don’t know. Maybe. 
    Miranda called when she arrived and I met her at the door.
    “Are you okay?” she said.
    “I don’t know. Why don’t you move in with me until you figure out what you’re doing?”
    She made herself at home on the couch and pulled a book out of her purse. “We’ll talk when you get Riley to sleep.”
    “Moved on to turquoise hair now?”
    “Yeah. Kind of matches the weather. Like icicles.”
    I shook my head and brought Riley to her bedroom. We had a simple bedtime routine. A short book, she nursed, then I put her in her crib and she blinked herself to sleep. No pacifier needed. I am so glad I never had to let her cry-it-out because I don’t know if I could’ve done it.
    I kissed her goodnight and went back downstairs. Miranda put her book down and turned toward me.
    “What’s that look for?” I said.
    “Come on,” she said. “You know you love him. Why can’t you admit it?”
    “Do I love him? Or do I love the idea of him? The idea of having a man in my heart again?”
    “You tell me.”
    “Everything is too confusing. I had to choose between amputating my daughters leg and giving her less surgeries throughout her life, or lengthening it and having her suffer for years to keep her leg. That’s hard. And if that’s not enough, now I find myself torn between the memory of Andy that still lives in my heart and the hope of Patrick that wants to live in my heart. I can’t choose this time. Someone needs to decide for me.”
    “You mean you want an airplane to write your answers in the sky?”
    “Yes. That would work.”
    We laughed.
    “Did I tell you I’m considering moving to Boston?” she said, flipping her turquoise hair behind her shoulder.
    “Do you ever stay still?”
    “I can’t. Not who I am.”
    “What about Ella’s brother? I thought you liked him?”
    “Kinda. We talk a lot, but he’s so unbelievably boring. He’s so settled. I mean, the guy wear’s the same color every time I see him.”
    “And that’s a bad thing? Maybe you need some stability.”
    “Maybe. Doubt it though. I need adventure. Life is meant to be lived.”
    “And you think people like Derek don’t live?”
    “Precisely.”
    I thought about her words for so long that she picked her book back up and read until she fell asleep. I turned the light off and went to my room. I wasn’t content in my singleness. Not at all. I didn’t want a friend. I wanted a husband.