The Journal (Her Master's Voice) Read Online Free PDF Page A

the journal; there were no secrets there. I had let him down. I had done something in a moment of eager carelessness, with the best of intentions, I tried to keep telling myself, and I had to face the consequences. They were for him, and him alone to decide. I had never felt so hopelessly at his mercy.
    I’d wanted so much to please him. I had wanted everything to be perfect and this is what I had done instead. I could hardly bear to look at him and yet, he commanded it and naturally I obeyed.
    Again he spoke in that calm, detached voice. I would have preferred his anger, anything to show what he was feeling, that he still cared.
    “You know why I have to punish you, don’t you?”
    “Yes, Master.” My voice shook.
    “You have done something that I will find very difficult to understand. I know you didn’t do it to hurt me. I know you would never do that. But my trust in you has to be complete. It is a binary state; either I trust you or I don’t. There are no margins of trust. And you have lost mine. I do not trust you. All that has gone. Do you understand that?”
    I managed not to look away but it cost me everything I had left. I trembled with the tension of holding myself still enough to keep looking into his eyes, when all I wanted to do was fling myself at his feet and beg his forgiveness.
    “Yes, Sir.”
    “So what can I do now? Punish you more? Yes, I shall certainly do that. But first I am going to untie you. Stay completely still as I do it.”
    He untied the ropes from around my wrists and then stepped in front of me, his back to me, as if the very sight of me disgusted him. And still without looking at me, he spoke again.
    “I am going out. I shall leave you to clean up this mess. You will also clean the entire apartment from top to bottom. If I find a speck of dust or one chore undone when I return, then your punishment will be much, much worse. And believe me, you don’t want that to happen. Do you understand?”
    “Yes, Sir.”
    He found his keys and walked to the study door.
    “Sir...?”
    “Yes?”
    “May I ask how long you’ll be? Please, Sir. Tell me please, Sir.” I had to clamp my lips shut to stop myself from begging.
    “Don’t wait up. Go to bed when you’re done.”
    I couldn’t help myself. I was frantic with dread. What if I had to wait for hours for him to come back, before we could perhaps try to talk and rebuild what we had. I tried once more, my voice barely a thread.
    “Master... please tell me how long you’ll be.”
    Would he make me wait for longer than a few hours? I imagined that he might make me wait a whole day. Yes, that was it. He would utter the word ‘tomorrow’ and that would be awful. But what he actually said was so much worse.
    “I don’t know.”
    I watched him go, wanting to call him back, to beg him not to leave me. The front door closed quietly behind him, and I sank to my knees and sobbed; my heart breaking once more into countless pieces. I loved him so much, and I’d hurt him. It was all my fault.
    The noise of the car starting moved me to my feet and I raced to the window to watch him leave, hoping that he would look back at me just once. He swung the car out onto the main road without a backward glance and I dropped into the chair in front of the window, my head in my hands.
    I curled up in the chair after he had gone, thinking over the whole terrible evening. If only I could go back and change what I had done. I hoped desperately that we could fix this.
    A car turned into our driveway, and I jumped to my feet in horror, realising that I had not even started the chores he had given me. Luckily it was one of our neighbours. I shivered, not wanting even to imagine what would happen if I hadn’t completed everything by the time he returned.
    I hurried to the kitchen to find the cleaning materials. I knew how he liked things done and I did my best to clean and tidy everything as carefully and dutifully as I always did; painstakingly scrubbing