The Jeeves Omnibus Read Online Free PDF Page B

me. Old Glossop was glaring at me. Young Dwight was staring at me. Only Pauline appeared to find no awkwardness in the situation. She was as cool as an oyster on the half-shell and as chirpy as a spring breeze. We might have been meeting by appointment. Where Bertram could find only a tentative ‘Pip-pip’ she bounded forward, full of speech, and grabbed the old hand warmly.
    ‘Well, well, well! Old Colonel Wooster in person! Fancy finding you here, Bertie! I called you up in London, but they told me you had left.’
    ‘Yes. I came down here.’
    ‘I see you did, you little blob of sunshine. Well, sir, this has certainly made my day. You’re looking fine, Bertie. Don’t you think he’s looking lovely, Father?’
    Old Stoker appeared reluctant to set himself up as a judge of male beauty. He made a noise like a pig swallowing half a cabbage, but refused to commit himself further. Dwight, a solemn child, was drinking me in in silence. Sir Roderick, who had turned purple, was now fading away to a lighter shade, but still looked as if his finer feelings had sustained a considerable wallop.
    At this moment, however, the Dowager Lady Chuffnell came out. She was one of those powerful women who look like female Masters of Hounds, and she handled the mob scene with quiet efficiency. Before I knew where I was, the whole gang had gone indoors, and I was alone with Chuffy. He was staring at me in an odd manner and doing a bit of lower-lip biting.
    ‘I didn’t know you knew these people, Bertie.’
    ‘I met them in New York.’
    ‘You saw something of Miss Stoker there?’
    ‘A little.’
    ‘Only a little?’
    ‘Quite a little.’
    ‘I thought her manner seemed rather warm.’
    ‘Oh, no. About normal.’
    ‘I should have imagined you were great friends.’
    ‘Oh, no. Just fairly pally. She goes on like that with everyone.’
    ‘She does?’
    ‘Oh, yes. Big-hearted, you see.’
    ‘She has got a delightful, impulsive, generous, spontaneous, genuine nature, hasn’t she?’
    ‘Absolutely.’
    ‘Beautiful girl, Bertie.
    ‘Oh, very.’
    ‘And charming.’
    ‘Oh, most.’
    ‘In fact, attractive.’
    ‘Oh, quite.’
    ‘I saw a good deal of her in London.’
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘We went to the Zoo and Madame Tussaud’s together.’
    ‘I see. And what does she seem to feel about this buying the house binge?’
    ‘She seems all for it.’
    ‘Tell me, laddie,’ I said, anxious to get off the current subj., ‘how do the prospects look?’
    He knitted the Chuffnell brow.
    ‘Sometimes good. Sometimes not.’
    ‘I see.’
    ‘Uncertain.’
    ‘I understand.’
    ‘This Stoker chap makes me nervous. He’s friendly enough as a general rule, but I can’t help feeling that at any moment he may fly off the handle and scratch the entire fixture. You can’t tell me if there are any special subjects to avoid when talking to him, can you?’
    ‘Special subjects?’
    ‘Well, you know how it is with a stranger. You say it’s a fine day, and he goes all white and tense, because you’ve reminded him that it was on a fine day that his wife eloped with the chauffeur.’
    I considered.
    ‘Well, if I were you,’ I said, ‘I wouldn’t harp too much on the topic of B. Wooster. I mean, if you were thinking of singing my praises –’
    ‘I wasn’t.’
    ‘Well, don’t. He doesn’t like me.’
    ‘Why not?’
    ‘Just one of these unreasonable antipathies. And I was thinking, old man, if it’s all the same to you, it might be better if I didn’t join the throng at the luncheon table. You can tell your aunt I’ve got a headache.’
    ‘Well, if the sight of you is going to infuriate him … What makes him bar you so much?’
    ‘I don’t know.’
    ‘Well, I’m glad you told me. You had better sneak off.’
    ‘I will.’
    ‘And I suppose I ought to be joining the others.’
    He went indoors, and I started to take a turn or two up and down the gravel. I was glad to be alone. I wished to muse upon this matter of his attitude