The Inspector-General Read Online Free PDF Page A

Prokhorov?
    SVISTUNOV. Prokhorov is in somebody's house and can't go on duty just
now.
    GOVERNOR. Why so?
    SVISTUNOV. Well, they brought him back this morning dead drunk. They
poured two buckets of water over him, but he hasn't sobered up yet.
    GOVERNOR
(clutching his head with both hands)
. For Heaven's sake! Go
out on duty quick—or, no, run up to my room, do you hear? And fetch my
sword and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich,
(to Dobchinsky)
come.
    BOBCHINSKY. And me—me, too. Let me come, too, Anton Antonovich.
    GOVERNOR. No, no, Bobchinsky, it won't do. Besides there is not enough
room in the cab.
    BOBCHINSKY. Oh, that doesn't matter. I'll follow the cab on foot—on
foot. I just want to peep through a crack—so—to see that manner of
his—how he acts.
    GOVERNOR
(turning to the Sergeant and taking his sword)
. Be off and get
the policemen together. Let them each take a—there, see how scratched
my sword is. It's that dog of a merchant, Abdulin. He sees the
Governor's sword is old and doesn't provide a new one. Oh, the sharpers!
I'll bet they've got their petitions against me ready in their coat-tail
pockets.—Let each take a street in his hand—I don't mean a street—a
broom—and sweep the street leading to the inn, and sweep it clean,
and—do you hear? And see here, I know you, I know your tricks. You
insinuate yourselves into the inn and walk off with silver spoons in
your boots. Just you look out. I keep my ears pricked. What have you
been up to with the merchant, Chorniayev, eh? He gave you two yards of
cloth for your uniform and you stole the whole piece. Take care. You're
only a Sergeant. Don't graft higher than your rank. Off with you.
Scene V
    Enter the Police Captain.
    GOVERNOR. Hello, Stepan Ilyich, where the dickens have you been keeping
yourself? What do you mean by acting that way?
    CAPTAIN. Why, I was just outside the gate.
    GOVERNOR. Well, listen, Stepan Ilyich. An official has come from St.
Petersburg. What have you done about it?
    CAPTAIN. What you told me to. I sent Sergeant Pugovichyn with policemen
to clean the street.
    GOVERNOR. Where is Derzhimorda?
    CAPTAIN. He has gone off on the fire engine.
    GOVERNOR. And Prokhorov is drunk?
    CAPTAIN. Yes.
    GOVERNOR. How could you allow him to get drunk?
    CAPTAIN. God knows. Yesterday there was a fight outside the town. He
went to restore order and was brought back drunk.
    GOVERNOR. Well, then, this is what you are to do.—Sergeant
Pugovichyn—he is tall. So he is to stand on duty on the bridge for
appearance' sake. Then the old fence near the bootmaker's must be pulled
down at once and a post stuck up with a whisp of straw so as to look
like grading. The more debris there is the more it will show the
governor's activity.—Good God, though, I forgot that about forty
cart-loads of rubbish have been dumped against that fence. What a vile,
filthy town this is! A monument, or even only a fence, is erected, and
instantly they bring a lot of dirt together, from the devil knows where,
and dump it there.
(Heaves a sigh.)
And if the functionary that has come
here asks any of the officials whether they are satisfied, they are to
say, "Perfectly satisfied, your Honor"; and if anybody is not satisfied,
I'll give him something to be dissatisfied about afterwards.—Ah, I'm
a sinner, a terrible sinner.
(Takes the hat-box, instead of his hat.)
Heaven only grant that I may soon get this matter over and done with;
then I'll donate a candle such as has never been offered before. I'll
levy a hundred pounds of wax from every damned merchant. Oh my, oh my!
Come, let's go, Piotr Ivanovich.
(Tries to put the hat-box on his head
instead of his hat.)
    CAPTAIN. Anton Antonovich, that's the hat-box, not your hat.
    GOVERNOR
(throwing the box down)
. If it's the hat-box, it's the hat-box,
the deuce take it!—And if he asks why the church at the hospital for
which the money was appropriated five years ago has not been built,
don't let them forget to say that the building was