The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse Read Online Free PDF Page A

button eyes and a kind of overall raggedness that did not make it altogether appealing to behold.
    The bear was wearing a grubby old trenchcoat.
    'Bear.' Jack made limp-wristed pointings. 'Toy bear. What?'
    'What?' asked the toy bear. 'What?'
    'I'm dreaming.’ Jack smacked himself in the face. 'Ouch!' he continued. 'Oh and...'
    'You're new to these parts, aren't you?' said the bear. He had that growly voice that one associates with toy bears. Probably due to the growly thing that they have in their stomachs, which makes that growly noise when you tip them forward. 'I'm Eddie, by the way. I'm the bear of Winkie.'
    'The who?'
    'The bear of Winkie. I'm Bill Winkie's bear. And I'm not just any old bear. I'm an Anders Imperial. Cinnamon-coloured mohair plush, with wood wool stuffing throughout. Black felt paw pads, vertically stitched nose. An Anders Imperial. You can tell by the special button in my left ear.' Eddie pointed to this special button and Jack peered at it.
    The button looked very much like a beer bottle top.
    It
was
a beer bottle top.
    'And what is your name?' asked the bear.
    'I'm Jack,’ Jack found himself saying. He was now talking to a teddy bear. (Granted, he had recently chatted to a horse. But at least the horse had behaved like a horse and had failed to chat back to him.) 'How?' Jack rubbed some more at his head. 'How is it done?'
    'How is
what
done?' asked the bear.
    'How are you doing that talking? Who's working you?'
    'Working me? No one's working
me.
I work for myself.’
    Jack eased himself into a sitting position. He patted at his person, then he groaned.
    'Stuffing coming out?' Eddie cocked his head to one side.
    'Stuffing? No.' Jack patted some more about his person. 'I've been robbed. I had a purse full of gold coins. And my boots. Someone's stolen my boots.'
    'Don't knock it,' said Eddie. 'At least you're still alive. Listen, I've got to sit down, my legs are drunk.'
    'Eh?' said Jack. 'What?'
    'My legs,' said the bear. 'They're really drunk. If I sit down, then just my bum will be drunk and that won't be so bad.'
    'I've lost it,' said Jack. 'Knocked unconscious twice in a single day. My brain is gone. I've lost it. I've gone mad.'
    'I'm sorry to hear that.' The bear sat down. 'But it will probably help you to fit in. Most folk in the city are a bit, or more so, mad.'
    'I'm talking to a toy bear.' Jack threw up his hands. His clockwork gun fell out of his sleeve. 'Oh, at least I still have this,' he said. 'Perhaps I should simply shoot myself now and get it all over with. I came to the city to seek my fortune and within hours of arrival I'm mad.'
    'You came
to
the city? You're a stranger to the city?'
    'This has not been a good day for me.'
    'Tell me about it,' said the bear.
    'Well,' said Jack. 'It all began when—
    'No,' said the bear. 'It was a rhetorical comment. I don't want you to tell me about it. I was concurring. Today hasn't exactly been an armchair full of comfy cushions for yours truly.'
    'Who's yours truly?'
    'I am, you gormster.'
    'Don't start with me,' said Jack, slipping his pistol back into his sleeve and feeling gingerly at the bump on the back of his head. 'I've got brain damage. I can see talking toy bears.'
    'Where?' asked Eddie, peering all around.
    'You,' said Jack. 'I can see you.'
    'You need a drink,' said the bear. 'And I need another upending.'
    'Upending? I don't understand.'
    'Well, I don't know what you're stuffed with. Meat, isn't it?'
    Jack made a baffled face.
    'Well, I'm stuffed with sawdust and when I drink, the alcohol seeps down through my sawdust guts and into my feet. I'd have to drink a real lot to fill up all the way to my head and I never have that kind of money. So I get the barman to upend me. Stand me on my head. Then the alcohol goes directly to my head and stays there. Trouble is, it's hard to balance on your head on a barstool at the best of times. You've no chance at all when you're drunk. So I fall off the stool and the barman throws me out. It's