The Happiness Trap Read Online Free PDF

replace negative
thoughts with positive ones, or to force yourself to be happy when you’re not.
Self-bullying
You try to bully yourself into feeling differently. You call yourself names like ‘loser’ or ‘idiot’. Or you criticise and blame yourself: ‘Don’t be so pathetic! You can handle this; why are you being such a coward? You should know better than this.’
Table 2.1
The Problem With Control
    What’s the problem with using methods like these to try to control your thoughts and feelings? The answer is nothing, if:
    • you use them only in moderation
    • you use them only in situations where they can work
    • using them doesn’t stop you from doing the things you value.
    If you’re not too distressed or upset—if you’re just dealing with run-of-the-mill, everyday stress—then deliberate attempts to control your thoughts and feelings aren’t likely to be a problem. In some situations distraction can be a good way of dealing with unpleasant emotions. If you’ve just had a row with your partner and you’re feeling hurt and angry, it could be helpful to distract yourself by going for a walk or burying your head in a book until you calm down. And sometimes zoning out can be beneficial. For example, if you’re stressed and drained after a gruelling day’s work, falling asleep on the couch may be just the ticket to help you rejuvenate.
    However, control methods become problematic when:
    • you use them excessively
    • you use them in situations where they can’t work
    • using them stops you from doing the things you truly value.
Using Control Excessively
    To varying degrees, every one of us uses control strategies. I mean, who wouldn’t prefer to do without some of the less enjoyable thoughts and feelings that crop up from time to time? And as we’ve seen, used in moderation, such attempts at control are no big deal. For instance, when I’m feeling particularly anxious, I sometimes eat a bar of chocolate or some biscuits. This is basically a form of distraction; an attempt to avoid some unpleasant feeling by focusing on something else. But because I don’t do it excessively, it doesn’t create a major problem in my life—I maintain a healthy weight, and I don’t give myself diabetes. Now, when I was in my early twenties it was a different story. Back then I ate a truckload of cakes and chocolates to try to avoid my anxiety (on a bad day I could go through five whole packets of TimTams), and as a result I became seriously overweight and developed high blood pressure. It was exactly the same control strategy, but when I used it excessively, it clearly had serious consequences.
    If you’re worried about upcoming exams, you may try to distract yourself from the anxiety by watching television. Now, that’s fine if you’re only doing it every now and then, but if you do it too much, you’ll spend all your evenings watching television and you won’t get any studying done. This, in turn, will create more anxiety as your studies lag further and further behind. Therefore, as a method for anxiety control, distraction simply can’t work in the long run. And then there’s the obvious: dealing with your anxiety in this way prevents you from doing the one thing that would be genuinely helpful—studying.
    The same goes for zoning out with alcohol or drugs. Moderate drinking or taking the occasional tranquilliser isn’t likely to have serious long-term consequences. But if such control methods become a crutch, it can easily lead to addiction, which then creates all sorts of complications, giving rise to even more painful feelings.
    Notice that there is considerable overlap between these control strategies. Watching television instead of studying can be not only a distraction but also a hiding/escaping strategy (hiding or escaping from your studies). And television can also be used for zoning out: some people may sit in front of the telly for hours on end, watching without any genuine interest.
Trying