The Happiness Trap Read Online Free PDF Page A

night. This means that on the rare occasion when he does socialise, he’s more anxious than ever because he’s so out of practice. Furthermore, living alone with no friends or social life just serves to make him feel completely rejected, which is the very thing he fears!
    • Yvonne also feels anxious in social situations. She copes with this by drinking heavily. In the short term, alcohol reduces her anxiety. But the next day she feels hung-over and tired and she often regrets the money she spent on alcohol or worries about the embarrassing things she did while under the influence. Sure, she escapes anxiety for a little while, but the price she pays is a lot of other unpleasant feelings over the long term. And if she ever finds herself in a social situation where she can’t drink, her anxiety is greater than ever, because she doesn’t have alcohol to rely on.
    • Danielle is overweight and hates it, so she eats some chocolate to cheer herself up. For the moment, she feels better. But then she thinks about all the calories she’s just consumed and how that will add to her weight—and ends up feeling more miserable than ever.
    • Ahmed is out of shape. He wants to get fit again. He starts working out, but because he’s unfit, it’s hard work and it feels uncomfortable. He doesn’t like the discomfort, so he stops working out. Then his fitness level slides even lower.
    • There’s a lot of built-up tension between Andrew and his wife, Sylvana. Sylvana is angry at Andrew because he works long hours and doesn’t spend enough time with her. Andrew doesn’t like those feelings of tension in the house, so in order to avoid them, he starts working longer hours. But the more hours he works, the more dissatisfied Sylvana gets—and the tension in their relationship steadily increases.
    You can see that these are all examples of trying to get rid of, avoid or escape from unpleasant feelings. We call these ‘control strategies’ because they are attempts to directly control how you feel. The table on the following page shows some of the most common control strategies. I’ve organised them into two main categories: fight strategies and flight strategies. Fight strategies involve fighting with or trying to dominate your unwanted thoughts and feelings. Flight strategies involve running away or hiding from those unwelcome thoughts and feelings. (Table 2.1)
COMMON CONTROL STRATEGIES
Flight Strategies
Fight Strategies
Hiding/Escaping
Suppression
You hide away or escape from situations or activities that might bring up uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. For example, you drop out of a course or avoid going to a social function, in
order to prevent feelings of anxiety.
You try to directly suppress unwanted thoughts and feelings. You forcefully push unwanted thoughts from your mind, or you push your feelings ‘deep down inside’.
Distraction
Arguing
You distract yourself from your thoughts and feelings by focusing on something else. For example, you’re feeling bored or anxious, so you smoke a cigarette or eat some ice cream or go shopping. Or you’re worried about some important issue at work, so you spend all night watching television to try to keep your mind off it.
You argue with your own thoughts to try to disprove them rationally. For example, if your mind says, ‘You’re a
failure’, you may argue back, ‘Oh, no, I’m not—just look at everything I’ve achieved in my work.’ Or you may argue against reality, protesting that, ‘It shouldn’t be like this!’
Zoning Out/Numbing
Taking Charge
You try to cut off from your thoughts and feelings by zoning out or making yourself numb, most commonly through the use of medication, drugs or alcohol. Some people do their zoning out by sleeping excessively or simply ‘staring at the walls’.
You try to take charge of your thoughts and feelings. For example, you may tell yourself things like, ‘Snap out of it!’ ‘Stay calm!’ or ‘Cheer up!’ Or you try to