The Girl Who Never Was Read Online Free PDF Page B

breathing
    quickly, sucking in his air through his teeth. 'I knew they couldn't be trusted. It's like the old saying goes.'
    I should be terrified, I think, but I am still too stunned. 'Who? What old saying?'
    And then, suddenly, attendants are on my father, pulling him away from me. They are restraining him, apologizing to me, pushing him away from me, through the door, but I cannot hear what they are saying because all I know is that my father meets my eyes and shouts, thoroughly enraged, 'Did you tell him your birth date?'
    Then my father is gone, through the door; it slams shut behind him, and air whooshes out of me in a great rush, like I had not been breathing for hours beforehand, and maybe it is the fear finally hitting me, but I feel almost dizzy, and the nurse is there and she is comforting me, apologizing, asking if I'm okay, pushing a glass of water on me, and I take the water blindly but I don't drink it, and I clutch it, and I say, 'I have to go home. I have to go home.'
    I take the water with me when I leave, but I don't realize that I'm carrying it until I reach the T station. I look down at it, clutched in my hand, and then I turn away from the T station door. I walk a few steps along the sidewalk. It is rush hour, and the people on the sidewalk are not delaying; they are hurrying toward their destinations, and they pay me no attention.
    I turn my back to them, and I open my hand, and the glass tumbles to the sidewalk and shatters. Its water streams
    along the concrete, and shards of glass sparkle like diamonds around me, vicious and beautiful.
    I lean down and pick up one and wrap it carefully in a tissue I find in my pocket and then put it in the pocket of my sweatshirt, beside the ancient pages.
    I have no idea why.
    x By the time I reach Park Street, I am still dazed and shaken. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is any clearer. I feel like my life is composed entirely of other people's secrets, and that isn't fair'it's my life. I am dazed and shaken and I am furious.
    I step off the subway train and dart around a guy who comes running in front of me out of nowhere. I go home and find my aunts at the dining room table.
    'Really, gnomes and their taste for Napoleon brandy,'Aunt Virtue is saying, and they both look up when I come in.
    'Selkie,'says Aunt True. 'You're late for dinner.'
    'Where were you?'asks Aunt Virtue.
    'I went to see Dad,'I say, a little breathless still.
    'Your father,'says Aunt Virtue.
    'Why didn't you tell us? We would have gone along,'says Aunt True.
    'Wait,'says Aunt Virtue and frowns. 'This isn't about your mother again, is it?'
    'Oh, Selkie, is it?'says Aunt True. 'We told you''
    'I know,'I say. 'I know you told me, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it, I just wanted to know''
    'You can't know, Selkie.'Aunt True's tone is begging me. 'You just can't. You cannot ask these questions; you cannot hear these words.'
    'Please,'says Aunt Virtue.
    'What will happen?'I ask. 'I don't understand.'
    'We will lose you,'says Aunt True. 'We will lose you forever.'
    And I want to tell them that they will never lose me, that I will always love them, no matter who my mother is. But their wide, dark eyes look at me, full of fear, and I can think of nothing but trying to soothe them, trying to get things back to normal.
    So I sit down and eat dinner.
    x It is that night, after dinner, almost bedtime, when I am trying and failing to do homework, that I make the connection that I should have made so much earlier. Benedict, my father had said, and I finally think of Ben. I had always assumed his name was Benjamin, but had he ever said that? No. He has always just been Ben. I don't even know his last name. Benedict Le Fay. Who I told my birth date to. The only person I've ever told.
    It doesn't make sense to me, any of it. How can Ben be
    involved? And what, exactly, is Ben involved with? There are so many odd things going on. Could he be connected to my mother? But how? When no one else in the universe seems