The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad Read Online Free PDF Page A

feeling great from the turbulence, but what made me feel worse was the smell from the volcano. It stunk. To me, the fact that nature has made this thing stink
is a way of telling us that we shouldn’t be anywhere near it.
    The smell of sulphur is similar to rotten eggs. It’s odd to think the middle of the earth smells of bad eggs.
    We headed back and I quizzed him about Vanuatu being the happiest place in the world. Paul was from Australia and he told me he’d travelled a lot and he really thinks it is the happiest
place he’s ever known. He told me that the locals use a greeting that is a type of laughing sound.
    KARL : But if everybody’s doing that sound how do you know when they are really really happy?
    PAUL : But they are really really happy.
    KARL : No, they’re not. They can’t be – not all the time.
    PAUL : Yes, they can.
    KARL : So, you meet someone and go
heeee
and they go
heeee
, and then they say ‘What’s been going on?’ and you
     go ‘Oh, my gran’s just died’ and they’d go ‘Why are you so cheerful?’
    PAUL : Ah, you would know if their grandma had died ’cos you’d see they would have a beard. If someone dies no one shaves.
    KARL : For how long?
    PAUL : Ah, I think it’s for how long they feel, maybe a couple of months either way.
    KARL : So, ’cos I have a bit of a beard they’ll think someone close died?
    PAUL : Yeah, and they’ll try and be even happier to you, so you may get a few more
heeees
just to stop you going into
     depression.
    KARL : It’s worth keeping it then ’cos they’ll treat me better, won’t they?
    I like the idea of growing a beard when someone’s died, as you wouldn’t really be in the mood for shaving after hearing the bad news. It’s also a way of showing respect without
it costing anything. Death is a costly business at home. It’s another way of getting money out of us, and they try to make you feel you’re a better person if you spend more on the dead.
My dad says it’s all bollocks and he wants to be stuck in a bin bag and I should let the council get rid of him. The trend at the moment seems to be buying a bench with a message engraved on
it. They’re like the new gravestones. ‘Arthur used to like sitting here. Missed by wife Betty 1936–2012.’ I bet the councils can’t believe their luck how much
they’re saving on not having to cough up for public benches.
    It wasn’t long before I was at the airport again to get on another plane to fly and meet a tribe that worship Prince Philip as a god on the island of Tanna. Luke gave me a few photos of
Prince Philip to pass onto them and a limited edition £5 coin that had been released to celebrate his recent ninetieth birthday. £5! That’s a lot of money for a coin you’re
not going to spend. Why couldn’t it be a special 10p coin? It’s things like this that annoy me about Britain. It’s a right rip off. We don’t even have £5 coins in
circulation. It’s things like this that would stop us ever making it into the Top 10 list of happiest places in the world.
    Anyway, the Prince Philip tribe . . . The story goes that the son of a mountain spirit travelled across seas to find a powerful woman to marry, and somehow the son turned out to be Prince
Philip. He visited close to the island in the 1970s, which helped to back up their beliefs. I met two locals as I got off the plane who were holding a piece of wood with my name on it. One was
called JJ who spoke some English. He introduced me to Albi who was described to me as the happiest man in the village, as well as being the greatest dancer. They were both stood there wearing next
to nothing. Just a bit of plant on their heads and wicker on their knobs. I got in the back of a van with Albi as JJ had claimed the passenger seat on the inside.

    Most places I visit I do try to learn a few words like ‘Hello’ and ‘Thank you’, but during this trip it was hard to keep up as they say Vanuatu has over
100 languages in use among