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last time Abernathy watched TV there were only ten channels, and they were all black-and-white.
    “Someone call NASA—your spider scar is glowing,” Theo said animatedly while looking at the now-red indentation on Madeleine’s forehead.
    “It’s like a spider stencil,” Abernathy said softly, utterly transfixed by the mark.
    The mere reminder of the arachnid roadkill sent Madeleine rushing out of the room, on the brink of vomiting. The girl had always had a sensitive stomach where spiders and insects were concerned.
    “Was it something I said?” Abernathy asked meekly as the Fearnasium door clanged shut.
    “Yeah, probably,” Theo said absentmindedly as he realized the great opportunity that had just presenteditself. “Did I ever tell you about the time Mrs. Wellington faked her own death? It was amazing!”
    “That does sound amazing—well, except for the
fake
part,” Abernathy responded eerily.
    Theo looked around the Fearnasium, from clowns to reptile heads to turn-of-the-century needles, and felt a shiver run up his spine.
    “Before I rethink the whole ‘I’m not afraid to be alone with you’ stance, please tell me you’re kidding.”
    “I’m kidding,” Abernathy said unconvincingly.
    “Okay, good. Because if there is one thing I don’t like in a friend, it’s homicidal urges,” Theo explained, wiping his brow. “As I was saying, most teachers would never bother to fake their own deaths to get a bunch of kids to confront their fears. Of course, there are some sound reasons for that. After all, I was pretty traumatized by the experience; I barely spoke or ate for twenty-four hours…” Theo trailed off before catching sight of Abernathy’s horrified expression.
    “Can you just forget I said anything?” Theo asked Abernathy with raised eyebrows.
    It appeared there was a bit more to teaching than either Madeleine or Theo had expected.

    That night at dinner Mrs. Wellington and Abernathy were seated as far away from each other as possible while still actually being in the same room. While no food was thrown, there was palpable tension in the air. After exactly thirteen minutes of silence, Abernathy looked up at Mrs. Wellington and growled.
    “Oh, save it for the coyotes, nature boy! That doesn’t scare me!”
    “Are there coyotes up here? A little warning would have been nice,” Theo said, his mouth full of food.
    “You’re so ugly you give me a stomachache,” Abernathy said awkwardly to Mrs. Wellington, stumbling over his words.
    “Actually, that’s probably the Casu Frazigu,” Theo responded, his mouth still full of food.
    “Unless someone’s hair is on fire or Sylvie is at the window, do not speak with food in your mouth,” Lulu said strictly. “You’re on the verge of ruining my appetite… like, forever.”
    “Abernathy,” Garrison said nicely, “if your comebacks were a baseball team, they would be the PittsburghPirates. And that is not a good thing. I think you need a comeback intervention; maybe we can even do a joint one with you and Theo.”
    Mrs. Wellington narrowed her eyes at Garrison and whispered, “Judas.” Luckily, Garrison hadn’t a clue that Judas was the apostle who betrayed Jesus. As a matter of fact, Garrison didn’t realize she’d said Judas. From his perspective he was rather certain she had said “nudist.” Of course, he hadn’t a clue what that meant, either.
    “Excuse me,” Theo said after carefully swallowing all his food. “Gary, did it ever occur to you that Abernathy and I have trouble stringing together biting comebacks because we’re so kind? I mean, my heart is basically made of chocolate, i.e., the sweetest thing on earth.”
    Hyacinth leaned close to her ferret and listened, nodding her head. “Celery says you need an anatomy lesson because it’s not your heart that’s made of chocolate, but your stomach and thighs…”
    “That was below the belt. And I mean that both literally and figuratively,” Theo said dramatically,