The Final Exam Read Online Free PDF Page A

Madeleine, it’s Sylvie’s snout,” Schmidty said with a dejected sigh. “She appears to have pressed it against every window at Summerstone. It shall take me years to clean them all.”
    “Or you could die first?” Hyacinth added. “That’s the upside to death: no more cleaning.”
    “Again, Miss Hyacinth, thank you for those inspiring words,” Schmidty responded sarcastically.
    “I know that you’re old, but as you have been told, call me Hyhy! Call me Hyhy!”
Hyacinth sang atrociously.
    “I’m pretty sure my ears just tried to kill themselves,” Lulu deadpanned to Hyacinth.
    “I’m totally fine with your joke, but Celery says to watch it, or she’ll chew your face off while you sleep,” Hyacinth shot back with her usual perky smile.
    “I think you should remind your ferret that Theo may be a vegetarian, but
I’m
not,” Lulu replied before breaking into a most disturbing grin.

    Shortly after lunch Madeleine arranged her tutoring station in the Fearnasium. Nestled between life-size clowns who cackled when their noses were squeezed and an extensive collection of animal skulls, Madeleine set up a small table and chairs. Once seated, she noticed a mobile of Chihuahuas dangling directly above her. It was an adorable visual, clearly left over from a student suffering from a fear of small dogs, also known as microcynophobia. And while Madeleine would normally have performed a closer inspection of the miniatures, she was already far too preoccupied with her role as educator.
    “Abernathy, I am going to begin with a few simplefacts regarding today’s world leaders. Please repeat after me: Barack Obama is the president of the United States of America.”
    “Barack Obama is the president of the United States of America.”
    Madeleine smiled, already pleased with herself, and now with her pupil.
    “David Cameron is the prime minister of the United Kingdom.”
    “David Cameron is the prime minister of the United Kingdom.”
    “Nicolas Sarkozy is the president of France.”
    “Mrs. Wellington is the destroyer of children’s dreams.”
    “Abernathy!” Madeleine gasped and pulled down on her shower cap in shock.
    “What?” the man asked softly. “Isn’t that what you said?”
    “I most certainly did
not
say that!”
    “But you wanted to…”
    “I did not! Mrs. Wellington does
not
destroy children’s dreams; on the contrary, she helps us achieve our dreams. Perhaps her tactics are a bit unorthodox, attimes even illegal, but you must believe me, she can help you. If not for that woman, I would still be dressed in a veil and a belt of repellents.”
    Suddenly a voice erupted from one of the clowns, causing both Abernathy and Madeleine to squeal with fright.
    “Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.”
    Madeleine quickly recognized the voice as Theo’s, prompting her to sigh with extreme annoyance. The boy awkwardly pushed his way out from behind the clown, accidentally squeezing its nose in the process, setting off a terribly wicked cackle. So grim and evil was the sound that all present developed a slight touch of coulrophobia.
    “Madeleine,” Theo said, strutting with a great deal of misplaced bravado, “not that I was eavesdropping, but remember, a hall monitor is always on duty.”
    “I highly doubt that spying is part of your official hall-monitor duties,” Madeleine replied with visible irritation.
    “Talking about your lack of a veil while wearing a shower cap isn’t the best line of reasoning,” Theo said, playing awkwardly with the sash across his chest.
    “I disagree wholeheartedly. Relapse is a well-knownpart of recovery. Plus, I cannot believe that you would say anything about my cap, knowing what I went through with that ghastly Balinese spider!”
    Abernathy watched Theo and Madeleine with great attention; it had been a long time since he had seen people argue up close. He forgot how engaging other people’s problems could be. It reminded him a bit of watching television. Of course, the