The Face of Death Read Online Free PDF Page B

you do, and I think it’s too late for that.”
    My throat tightens up. My eyes burn. Elaina has a way of getting to simple truths, the kind that are helpful and provide freedom, but carry a price: You can’t unlearn them.
This Truth
is ugly and beautiful and inescapable: I’m stuck with my fear because I love Bonnie. All I have to do to be stress-free is un-love her.
    Not gonna happen.
    “But will it stop being so bad?” I ask. I heave a frustrated sigh. “I don’t want to screw her up.”
    She takes both my hands, gives me that unswerving look. “Did you know I was an orphan, Smoky?”
    I stare, surprised.
    “No, I didn’t.”
    She nods. “Well, I was. Me and my brother, Manuel. After Mom and Dad died in a car accident, we ended up being raised by my
abuela
—my grandmother. A great woman. I mean that as in ‘greatness.’ She never complained. Not once.” Her smile is wistful. “And Manuel—oh, he was such a wonderful boy, Smoky. Bighearted. Kind. But he was frail. Nothing specific to point to, but he was always the first to catch anything going around and the last to get over it. One summer day my
abuela
took us to Santa Monica beach. Manuel got caught by the undertow. He died.”
    The words are simple, and spoken plainly, but I can feel the pain behind them. Quiet sorrow. She continues.
    “I lost my parents for no reason at all. I lost my brother on a beautiful day, and his only sin was that he couldn’t kick hard enough to get back to shore.” She gives me a shrug. “My point, Smoky, is that I know that fear. The terror of losing someone you love.” She pulls her hand away, smiles. “So what do I do? I go and fall in love with a wonderful man who does a dangerous job, and yes, I’ve lain awake at night, afraid, afraid, afraid. There have been some times that I took it out on Alan. Unjustly.”
    “Really?” I am having trouble reconciling this with the pedestal I have Elaina perched on; I can’t imagine her as less than a perfect person.
    “Really. Sometimes years pass without a ripple. I don’t even think about losing him, and I sleep fine. But it always comes back. To answer your question:
No,
for me, it never goes away for good, but
yes,
I’d still rather love Alan, fear and all.”
    “Elaina, why didn’t you ever tell me any of this? About you being an orphan, about your brother?”
    The shrug is perfect, almost profound.
    “I don’t know. I suppose I spent so much time not letting it define me that I forgot to tell the story when I should have. I did think of it once, when you were in the hospital, but I decided against telling you then.”
    “Why?”
    “You love me, Smoky. It would have added to your pain more than it would have helped.”
    She’s right, I realize.
    Elaina smiles, a smile of many colors. The smile of a wife who knows she’s lucky to have a husband she actually loves, of a mother who never had a child of her own, of a bald Rapunzel who’s happy to be alive.
    Callie appears with Bonnie at her side. They’re both appraising me. Looking for the cracks, I imagine.
    “Are we ready to get this show on the road?” Callie asks.
    I force a smile. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”
    “Explain what it is we’re doing,” Elaina says.
    I gather myself up into an imaginary fist and will it to hold on to the slippery, quivery parts of me. “It’s been a year since Matt and Alexa died. A lot has happened since then.” I look at Bonnie, smile. “Not just for me. I still miss them, and I know I always will. But…” I use the same phrase I gave to Bonnie earlier today. “They don’t live here anymore. I’m not talking about erasing their memories. I’m keeping every picture, every home movie. I’m talking about the practical things that don’t have use anymore. Clothes. Aftershave. Golf clubs. The things that would only get used if they were here.”
    Bonnie gazes at me without hesitation or reserve. I smile at her, and put my hand over hers.
    “We’re here to