The Douchebag Bible Read Online Free PDF Page A

them.
    "Nothing ever changes," someone says sadly. (This
    is a negative statement, but change has positive

    connotations.)
    The rule here is easy enough to discern—change has a
    positive connotations in dissatisfactory circumstances and a
    negative connotations when people are content (or content
    enough) with the way things are.
    So when someone tries to change your mind, you reject
    their attempts. Why? Because you're a human being who
    secretly believes that you are perfect, in spite of your character
    flaws, of which you are mostly aware. You are content enough
    in your mind to feel as though it is untouchable and sacred—
    something to be preserved at all costs.
    Why do you think the first step any cult leader or
    government agent takes to brainwash someone involves
    eroding their sense of identity and smashing their self-esteem
    to pieces?
    Any human being functioning normally is not very
    susceptible to the overt suggestions of his fellow man, despite
    our instinct to take cues from the pack and go along with
    whatever the general consensus is. In fact, ironically enough,
    our built in conformity streak is a big part of what makes us
    so reluctant to go along with people. This is because we are
    “wired” to distrust the outsider and accept only the ideas of
    those within our social group. In this age of extremely limited
    social interaction, this mechanism, once crucial to the
    evolutionary process, has begun to destroy us.
    People are cynics who distrust everything. In the 1950’s
    when the government and corporations churned out endless
    propaganda, the masses, for the most part, believed every
    word of it. Today, people distrust everything they hear,
    everything they read, everything they see, everyone they meet.
    Nearly a fourth of people believe that the Government was
    responsible for the attacks of September 11th.
    I suspect that people have always been terribly jittery
    creatures, a race of idiots recoiling from their own shadows,
    but there was always an “us” and a “them.” Us was a collective
    of individuals that could be trusted—they go to the same
    church as you, the have the same values as you, they are you .

    Them was any one that belonged to any other group and
    believed a slew on unwholesome, terrible things.
    Now there is no us. There is only them.
    We are a generation born to belong nowhere, a
    generation charged with making out own clique, but we don’t
    want to. And what is to blame for our reluctance? The
    conformist mechanism, that component of our psyche that
    tells us that we’re not to trust outsiders—but now everyone is
    an outsider.
    We do not function as a group. We do not have a
    common ideology. We do not have a common system of values.
    We run the gamut.
    Is this a good thing? Can anyone hope to compete with
    other social organisms when they haven’t one of their own?
    Doesn’t anyone want to get together and march to war with
    me?
    Hell yes, you say?
    But you want to lead?

    Fuck that.
    Never mind.

    RAPE SURVIVOR
    CHATROOM SURVIVOR

    Rape isn’t fatal.

    So imagine my indignation when I saw a chatroom
    called “Rape Survivors.” Is this supposed to impress me?
    Someone fucked you when you didn’t want to be fucked and
    you’re amazed that you survived? Unless he used a chainsaw
    instead of his dick, what’s the big deal?

    I don’t mean to be horrendously offensive and
    insensitive here, but everyone survives rape. Some women are
    killed afterwards, but that’s murder, not rape. To say that
    you’re a rape survivor is as meaningless as saying you’re a jury
    duty survivor or a divorce survivor. Lots of things in life suck—
    that doesn’t mean we survived them.

    The word survivor applies to people who are alive after
    being stabbed 73 times with an ice pick or mauled by rabid
    wolverines, not to a woman who gets dick when she doesn’t
    want it. Just because you got raped, you have to rape the
    English language? You vindictive bitch!

    Also, don’t