The Affair of the Thirty-Nine Cufflinks Read Online Free PDF Page A

failed.
    'I think I'll turn to crime,' Tommy said gloomily.
    'Don't be silly.'
    'I'm not being silly. I've seriously thought about it. Oh, not anything that would hurt anybody, but where would be the harm in pinching something from somebody who'd never miss it? Just to put me on my feet.'
    'You mustn't say things like that. I know you're joking, but other people wouldn't - people who don't know how you're always kidding and playing pranks and practical jokes. That's something else which puts Daddy off you.'
    'That's just fun! They never harm anyone.'
    'I know that. I think some of them are screamingly funny. But Daddy's got no sense of humour at all.'
    'I say, I brought off an absolutely terrific wheeze a couple of weeks ago. This old chum of mine was working for a company owned by an absolute bounder. Name of Hodge. Frightfully rich, and he and his wife are the most appalling snobs. Anyway, he had an application for a job from the son of some marquis or other, old Etonian, and all that, but totally useless. Old Hodgepodge, though, couldn't resist having a gen-you-ine aristocrat on his staff, so to make room for him, he sacked my pal. No excuse, no apology, just a month's salary and out on his ear.'
    'How rotten.'
    'As you can imagine, he was pretty browned off and wanted to get his own back. He asked me if I had any ideas. So I put the jolly old brain-box to work and made a few enquiries. These people have got a big place in Sussex, swimming pool, acres of grounds. And it's on a main road to the coast. I found out they were planning a big garden party for the next Saturday - lavish open-air buffet, marquee, and so on. Asking all the toffs of the county. So I went to a sign writer and got a lot of big placards done. The Saturday was a super day and my pal and I drove down. We got there just before the party started and we stuck these placards up about every fifty yards at the side of the road for the quarter of a mile leading to the house. They had things on them like 'Open Day,' 'No Charge,' 'Everybody Welcome,' 'Free Refreshments,' 'Beautiful Gardens,' 'Swimming Pool,' 'Bring the Kiddies.' And the ones nearest the house had big arrows, pointing through the gates. Then we beat it, pronto.'
    'What happened?' Penny asked, wide-eyed.
    'I found out all about it later, from a johnnie who was at the party. As you can imagine, on a beautiful Saturday, the roads were jam-packed with people on their way for an afternoon at the seaside, and within minutes cars started to roll in. The Hodges didn't realise what was happening at first, thought they were invited guests. The climax was when a charabanc, with about forty people on board, arrived. They twigged then, but it was too late. There were already about twenty cars parked on the drive, people were helping themselves to grub and drinks from the buffet, kids were trampling all over the flower beds, changing into their bathing costumes in their cars and jumping in the swimming pool. Some people actually went in the house and started poking round all over the place, using the bathrooms, what have you. The butler was trying to get rid of them, which led to a lot of nasty arguments. And the most topping thing of all was that one of the real guests was an eccentric old baronet, who always dresses in the most disreputable togs and hardly ever shaves or has his hair cut. The butler thought he was one of the gate-crashers and forcibly ejected him. By which time, most of the toffs were pretty fed up, and started to leave, en masse . Hodge was running round in circles, trying to get them to stay and the intruders to leave, all at the same time. Mrs Hodge was having hysterics in her boudoir. I'm delighted to say that their great day was totally ruined. And serve them bally well right.'
    Penny gave a sigh. 'Oh, Tommy, you're so clever! To think of that!'
    Tommy endeavoured unsuccessfully to look modest. 'I do seem to have a flair for that sort of thing.' Then he became gloomy again. 'Good to have