Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. Read Online Free PDF Page B

Stuff and Sensitivity
     
    Everything goes in the mouth.  Absolutely
everything.  You will be using your vacuum every single day, maybe more than
once, but your baby will still find the tiniest little spec and eat it. A dust
bunny can't possibly taste better than the food I offer him. Can it? I remember
this one day vividly when my kid totally ate a dog food kibble. What the heck was
I supposed to do? After having a mini panic attack, and imaging my son right
next to my dog enjoying a meal together, I removed the kibble from his mouth,
and gave him water to rinse out.  It’s all I could do.
    Brace yourself for tons of phases. A lot more
than you already anticipate.  A year into motherhood, I've been through tossing
everything out of the crib, I don't want the bottle OR the sippy cup, don't you
dare try to clip my nails, I feel like crying all day long, spitting out every
spoonful of food, bath time is the worst time of day, this toy sucks, I want to
sit in my dirty diaper all day long and I'm going to bang on this no matter
what you say.  It goes with the territory ladies. It’s time to practice your
patience, because you're going to need it.
    So your kid is rocking back and forth and
banging his head on the wall?  Don't freak out.  It's just him comforting
himself.  I learned that pretty quickly.  Maybe I could relax more if I banged
my head against the wall....
    Is your freshly fed, freshly changed, kid
screaming uncontrollably? Just whip out your iPhone or iPad. Our friends at
Apple have created the baby whisperer. Steve Jobs really was brilliant. The day
my son figured out how to unlock my iPhone was hilarious.  The look on his face
was absolutely priceless.
    Now for the sensitive topic....... One of the
biggest debates that have women in mommy groups up in arms is using crying it
out (CIO) to sleep train.   Here is what will happen.  Four or five months into
your new life with your baby, the lack of sleep will kick in.  Really kick in.
Then you will do tons of research and get opinions from other moms you know
that have used the method, or have chosen not to use the method. Do not let
discussions get heated, because they can and will.  This is the one topic,
other than breastfeeding, that will send moms over the edge.  There are studies
out there both for, and against sleep training, and you will need to do your
research and decide what is best for your family.  I can tell you that the
decision that I made on whether or not to train via CIO was a difficult one,
but in the long run was the right one for us.
     
     

CHAPTER EIGHT
    Man, That's Totally Annoying
     
    You might not realize it now, but pretty soon
just about everything that happens around you is going to annoy you like
crazy.  Everything from the dog barking to opening your mail will drive you
insane.  It's not all bad though.  Really.
    I've learned the words to far too many cartoon
theme songs, and you will too.  I find myself singing along and bopping my head
to the tunes when they come on the TV.  Since I'm laying it all out on the
table I'll admit it – I watch some of those shows after my son has gone to bed.
There really are only 104 days of summer vacation and I want to know about
every single adventure that Phineas and Ferb go on. For the record, Phineas and
Ferb is absolutely hilarious.
    I used to hate doing laundry. I would let it go
until Sunday and spend that whole day doing six or seven loads.  Now I really
hate doing laundry. I do it every single day. Between crib sheets, rompers,
onesies, and socks I have double the dirty. But I must say there's nothing
quite like the smell of clean baby clothes – mostly because it's so much better
than poop stains and spit up.
    The doorbell will only ring during nap time. 
The delivery guy.  The friend that just stopped by to say hi.  The mail man
with a certified letter. Some dingbat trying to preach the word.  A sign on the
front door is necessary.  “Napping baby inside.