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Minister. Plenty of candidates, as it turns out. Mars being a rather popular destination amongst certain sections of society. Distinct lack of quality though.”
    “Right. Going to be a problem?”
    “It all depends on how you see this whole Mars Colony thing panning out. You know, in terms of civil disobedience, productivity. Life expectancy. That sort of thing.”
    “I’m not sure I follow you Captain. What exactly is the problem with the quality of the volunteers so far?”
    “The problem? What is the problem with the volunteers, Minister? The problem is they are lunatics! Yes, certifiable!”
    “I’m sure it can’t be as bad as all that? Can it?”
    “If I might make a suggestion?”
    “Carry on, lieutenant,” said the Captain.
    “Perhaps if we make a start with the vetting process, we will get a clearer idea of whether or not we are getting the right sort of personnel?”
    “Good idea. Any objections Captain?”
    “No, Minister.”
    “Jolly good. I shall leave it in your hands to organise the necessary military staff, and we can give it a go.”
    “Ma’am.”

 
    EXO-COLONISATION
     
    For many years, following the successful mission by the United States of America to send astronauts to the Moon in the latter half of the 20th Century, the United Kingdom has felt, well, narked off.
    To alleviate this feeling of inadequacy, His Majesty’s Government has made it official policy to pursue an aggressive programme of exo-colonisation , that is, the colonisation of other planets, starting with Mars.
    The Mars Colony will serve to project UK power beyond the realms of terrestrial constraints (and some might say beyond the constraints of logic, reason and good manners).
    Phase One consists of establishing basic infrastructure, laying the groundwork for a self-sufficient community based around the growing of traditional British vegetables, and performing basic scientific research that will prove once and for all that the UK is at the forefront of all that is peaceful, sustainable and blatantly expansionist.
     
    UK Guide to Space, 2025 Edition

The next day, Science Officer Tiggy Beauchamp received formal notification of her next posting. Excitedly, she opened a vis screen call to Dyson.
    “I’m going to the Moon, Commander!”
    “That’s great news Tiggy,” came the slightly muffled response as Dyson finished his gluten-free bagel. “When do you leave?”
    “One month. I’m to make myself useful around the spaceport until then.”
    “Excellent. Well, unless you have any other ideas, may I suggest you give me a hand with my exciting new assignment?”
    “Which is?”
    “I’ve got to interview the Mars Colony volunteers. Looks like there’s about a thousand applicants for each seat on the transport. Should be fun. No really.”
    “Okay, I’m in. When do we start?”
    “Oh I don’t know - want to saunter over to the recruitment block in about 5 minutes?”
    “I’ll be there!”
     
    Five minutes later
     
    “So this pile are the ones we’ve already decided definitely to reject.” Commander Hunter placed his hand on a teetering pile of application forms about a foot tall.
    “And these ones?”
    “These ones we’ve not made our mind up yet.” The second pile was scanty to say the least. “We’re probably going to have to interview all of them in person. That’s where you come in, Science Officer.”
    “Okay. How do you want to do this? Half each or were you planning to do it together?”
    “Let’s take half each, get it over and done with, hmm?”
    🚀
    “You do realise this is a one-way mission? Once you have committed to the colony, there is very little chance of ever returning to Earth.”
    Tiggy glanced up from the application form she was holding. Printed in the top left hand corner was a photo of the applicant in front of her, wearing exactly the same outfit as she wore now - a stripy pink revealing top, skin tight jeans and sparkly high heel shoes. In the photo she was doing a