science project volcano lava onto my desk and ruined my Cooperâs hawk drawing. In third grade he stole my shoes and hid them under the teacherâs desk. In fourth grade he started calling me Fish Boy (because of Camilla), and so dideveryone else. In fifth grade he locked me in the equipment room, and I was stuck in there for the last two periods of the day.
But last year, in sixth grade, the weirdest thing happened. He didnât do anything. Maybe he was too busy ruining someone elseâs life.
So itâs obvious that we just canât get along, mostly because heâs always picking fights with me and being an annoying ogre.
As far as our future together, well, I hope heâs not part of mine.
Thereâs something else to know about Mouton. He has Touretteâs syndrome, a brain disorder that makes him blurt out words, even if itâs at inappropriate times. The worst part is when he gets stuck on a word or phrase and then repeats it until you canât take it anymore. My mom says theyâre called vocal tics. Mouton has the same one all the time (Yip!), which gets worse when heâs nervous. I know Iâm supposed to ignore his outbursts, but itâs hard to do that when he makes my life miserable on purpose.
I decide to stay where Iâm standing, and keep my distance from Mouton. âLeave my mom out of it,â I say.
âSure thing, Big Bird,â he says.
âDid you steal my bike?â I ask him.
âWhat bike?â he says. He picks a pebble up off the street and throws it at my cheek.
âOuch.â I rub my cheek to make the stinging go away.
âWhatâs wrong?â he says. âGot a little boo-boo? Maybe mommy can help you when you get to school. Or maybe sheâs too busy cleaning toilets.â
I ignore Mouton. Sometimes itâs the only way to handle him. Up until third grade I gave it right back to him, but now heâs three times my size.
Gabriela looks at me, like sheâs waiting for my response to Mouton. If only I could explain to her that he comes with special handling instructions, and if youâre not careful, heâll explode and stomp on buildings like Godzilla.
Bus number thirteen squeals to a stop, black smoke spiraling from the tailpipe. The door opens.
Mouton shoves me aside and cuts in front of everyone.
Gabriela steps back from the crowd, letting others get on the bus in front of her. I hang back a little too, until weâre the only ones left standing outside the bus.
Mouton sticks his head out the back window and yells, âEddie-shovel-truck! Eddie-shovel-truck!â
Heâsbeen saying that for two years now, and no one knows why. I think itâs because he wants to dump me into a trash truck and then bury me with a shovel.
I turn to Gabriela and say, âHeâs a jerk. Just ignore him.â
âWhat is a jerk?â she asks.
I could go many places with this one, most of them dark and ugly, but instead I say, âSomeone who acts like Mouton.â
âThe jerk is named Mouton?â
âââOgreâ is what I call him. It means âa big, clumsy monster.âââ
âOh,â she says.
âCan you believe his parents named him Mouton? What were they thinking?â
âThe name Mouton is interesting,â she says. âI like it better than âEddie.âââ
I canât decide whether to be embarrassed or mad or both. So what do I do? I say the dumbest thing ever said in The History of Responses to Girls:
âYeah, youâre right. My name is stupid.â
Sandy, the bus driver, whistles. âCome on, lovebirds. Iâve got a schedule to keep,â he says, waving us up the steps.
I walk up the first two steps, and Sandy looks up atme from underneath his gray hat, which is round in the front and flat on top. âGood to see you, Eddie.â
I smile at Sandy and say, âGood to see you, too.â
I drift