So Much It Hurts Read Online Free PDF Page A

“A joey is a baby kangaroo.”
    â€œI’ve never heard that word before.”
    â€œHow do you like it?” I know he means the word joey , but it also feels like a bigger question—like he wants to know if I like being here with him.
    â€œI like it. A lot.”
    Mick takes off his fedora and rubs his forehead. When he catches me watching him, he puts the fedora back on.
    I think it’s cute that he’s self-conscious about his hairline.
    Mick says he understands what things must have been like for me. He was seventeen when his father died of a heart attack. Mick says that before he got into directing, when he was in acting school in Melbourne, he used to summon up the grief he felt after his father’s death.
    â€œI used that grief—that sense I’d been abandoned. I found a way to transform it into something else. You’ll do that too, Iris. You’ve already begun doing it.”
    When Mick says that, it’s as if something buried inside me starts to come to life again. There’s a stirring in my chest. I’ve felt the same way as Mick—abandoned. Why hasn’t my father tried to stay in touch with me all these years? Can he have forgotten his own daughter’s existence?
    I want Mick to know how much what he’s just said matters to me, so I say, “I guess I always felt kind of sorry for myself. For not knowing my father the way other k— ” I stop myself from saying kids . I don’t want Mick to think of me that way. “The way other people do. What you just said…it really means a lot. It makes me think that, in a way, the stuff I’ve gone through has had a purpose. Maybe I can summon that grief…that sense of being abandoned…and transform it into something else.” It’s only after I say those words that I realize they’re the very same ones Mick just used. He doesn’t seem to think that’s a bad thing. He just nods and smiles, as if I’ve said something really deep.
    â€œYou know what, Iris?” he says when we finally get up to leave the café. “Being with you makes me feel everything is possible.” He takes my hand, then lets it go, as if he’s changed his mind and decided that holding my hand isn’t the best idea. “You make me feel like a kid again.” I can still feel the cool dry touch of his fingers. I want him to hold my hand and not let go this time.
    â€œYou’re not old, Mick,” I say, dropping my voice.
    â€œI feel old. Compared to you.”
    Except for two worry lines—small train tracks—over the bridge of his nose, Mick’s face is smooth. Only his hairline and his eyes hint that he’s a lot older than me. When I look into his eyes, I can feel he’s been through a lot. Felt a lot. Seeing that makes me feel closer to him. Is this what falling in love feels like? I know I’ve never felt this way around Tommy.
    â€œHow old do you think I am?” Now Mick’s tone is playful, teasing.
    I’ve never been good at guessing anyone’s age. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. “Well, you’ve got a kid. So you must be at least…I don’t know…” I do the math in my head. “Twenty-two.”
    My guess makes Mick laugh. “Twenty-two? That would be sweet.” But he doesn’t say how old he is.
    â€œI could take the metro,” I tell Mick when he offers again to drive me home.
    Mick insists. He’s staying in a furnished loft in an apartment building a few blocks from where Mom and I live. He’s also rented a Jeep with a camo paint job. He comes over to my side to help me step up into it. Again, he takes my hand, but only for a few seconds.
    Maybe driving super slow is another Aussie thing. The closer he gets to my street, the more slowly Mick goes. The Jeep has a stick shift, so he needs both hands to drive. “Do you drive a Jeep in Melbourne