Sleep Talkin' Man Read Online Free PDF Page A

school records:
    Dear Headmaster,
    Thank you for your letter of the 2nd March with the good news that Adam has won a place at your school. I enclose herewith duly completed the acceptance form with the acceptance deposit. I trust you will excuse the teeth marks in the acceptance form. The family’s general air of excitement transmitted itself to our dog, who managed to get to the post with the ensuing results.
    Yours sincerely,
    R. H. Lennard
    One wonders if perhaps the headmaster thought the whole family was a bit special.
    It ’ s the belly button button.
Press it and go to hell!

    â€œOf course I’ve always loved music.
YOURS makes me want to poo my pants.”
    As Adam entered the double digits, the free-spiritedness that defined him in his younger years started to give way as the insecurities of adolescence crept in, and the little embarrassments and setbacks of secondary school did nothing to help. When it was time for Adam to begin secondary school, he joined his older brother Darren at Haberdashers’ Aske’s School for Boys, a posh private school with a strong focus on academics (play having been proven inadequate preparation for our non-play-centered world). It may not have been quite the right fit for sensitive, creative Adam, but he made an earnest effort to find his place.
    One such endeavor was to join the music department. Adam had always been interested in percussion—in fact, he would later go on to become a downright decent drummer. But thesewere very early days in Adam’s music education, and his teacher thought it best to start him off on the forgiving triangle. This instrument propelled Adam into an elite society of the school: the Haberdashers’ Aske’s third orchestra.
    (Note the “third.” That means there were two that were better. To get a sense of the level of talent—and enthusiasm—we’re talking about here, go to YouTube and search for “Orchestra Fail.” Make sure your speakers are turned up really loud.)
    Adam’s parents remember with great relish Adam’s first (and last) concert with the orchestra. Seeing him up there on that stage, surrounded by violinists, cellists, and flutists, the Lennards were bursting with pride. As the conductor tapped his wand on the stand, Adam raised his triangle with an air of gravity, preparing himself for his triumphant debut.
    It just so happens that, in the piece being performed that evening, the triangle was to remain silent for the first 148 bars, only entering in the final climax. For 148 breath-holding bars, Adam’s parents watched him, arm held high in the air in front of him, clutching his trianglealoft—looking for all the world like one of the Hitler Youth—nodding his head dramatically to each beat as he carefully counted the bars. Finally his moment approached, and it was with an expression of triumphant ecstasy that Adam raised the striker, and struck that triangle with all the passion he could summon.
    Unfortunately, Adam had forgotten that he needed to hold the strap on which the triangle is hung, rather than the triangle itself. So, when he finally struck his fair instrument, he produced nothing more than a dull, discordant clang. From his place on the stage, Adam saw the front section of the audience recoil in horror at the cruel assault on their unsuspecting ears.
    Thus came to a close Adam’s tenure with the Haberdashers’ Aske’s third orchestra.
    As he got older, Adam, still looking to find his place, took a stab at mixing in with the “bad” kids. One day the school board members had come for a meeting, and Adam’s friends decided it would be amusing to steal all of their Mercedes hood ornaments. When the theft was discovered, the headmaster rounded up all of the usual suspects,
    Adam among them. The first kid emptied his bag—out clattered a Mercedes ornament.
Clinkety clank.
The next kid, same thing.
Clink clank clinkety