Sleep Talkin' Man Read Online Free PDF

clank.
One after another, all of the boys were forced to dump out their prized booty on the headmaster’s desk. Finally, the headmaster faced Adam at the end of the line. Adam sheepishly upended his bag, and out clattered … a Ford ornament.
CLUNK.
He had been so worried about the damage he would cause to an expensive car, he had passed up all the shining Mercedes for an unassuming Fiesta. Thus ended Adam’s stint among the hoodlums of Haberdashers’, such as they were.
    From all family and school reports, Adam was a delightful little boy: sweet, funny, harmlessly mischievous, creative, outgoing. But alongside those traits, he was also a sensitive, emotional child, and as he got into his formative years, that sensitivity transformed into a consistent struggle with low self-esteem. Recently, I got a chance to go through all of Adam’s old school records. I expected to find lots of humorous comments from teachers proving just how much of a characterhe was. Instead, what I found over and over, year after year, was some version of “Adam is a wonderful, bright boy with lots of potential. But he needs to work on his self-confidence.”
    Now, many soul-searching, therapy-attending years later, Adam has a very healthy sense of self. He’s secure in who he is and genuinely happy. But what does this all have to do with the sleep talking? Well, it turns out that many psychologists believe that, in the deepest layers of the mind, lots of the growing up and maturing that we all do doesn’t penetrate. So, somewhere in his subconscious must live child Adam. And perhaps, when adult Adam is asleep, when his conscious mind lets down its barriers, the sensitive, insecure Adam of his youth is left exposed. But now, in a playground all his own, he has the opportunity to do it all over again, as a guy who has the balls to stand up to anyone, who says what he wants, swipes whatever metaphorical hood ornaments he wants, who knows that he’s the best damn thing that ever walked the face of the earth. And you know what? If that helps my husband claim back some of the toughermoments of his childhood, I’m all for it. Because in those wee hours of the night, when STM appears, that triangle rings out as clear as day.

STM: MASTER OF
SELF-AFFIRMATION
10
“I’m the reason why there’s so many adjectives for awesome.”
9
“Well, let’s face it: I’m so good looking, even my bacteria are cute.”
8
“There’s only one thing that comes close to being as fantastic as me, and that’s my reflection.”
7
“Yeah, keep looking. It doesn’t get any better than this.”
6
“Here I am! Perfection on two legs.”
5
“I’m not just good. I’m lick-my-parts tingling kind of good.”
4
“It’s not blood that courses through my veins. It’s incrediblood!”
3
“I’m better than Superman. He’s just a cunt … in underpants.”
2
“I’m so magic, I puke rainbows and shit pixie dust.”
1
“If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then BEHOLD, BITCHES!”
    There was so much blood!
Oh, there must have been at least five llamas. Totally unprovoked attack by those puffins. I managed to clip their wings. This is llama turf.
    Not being able to do something could teach you a lot about yourself. Mmm-hmm.
Like what a fucking loser you are.
    Really? If you can pee that high, DEFINITELY join the fire brigade. Yah.
    Darling, with an ass as big as yours, innocent bystanders could get hurt!
    I am Mediterranean Man! Hear my cry:
TZATZIKIIIIIIiiiiiii and tremble with fear.
I will cut you with my throwing pita.
But not at three o’clock, ‘cause it’s siesta time. TZATZIKIIIIIIiiiiiii and away!
    Now I ’ m going to batter you to death with chicken drumsticks!
It ’ ll be really messy, but I ’ m going to enjoy every hour of it.
    Tiptoeing elephants? Come on guys, give it up. I can see you!