Set Sail for Murder Read Online Free PDF Page B

you take one of the chairs. Save the wingback in the center for Miss Pepper.”
    Polly looked at Tim and Placenta. “Wish me luck, dears. And swipe a bottle of Cristal from the Polar Bar!”
    Suddenly,
The Polly Pepper Playhouse
theme music began to play through the speakers and the audience applauded with eager anticipation. One by one, the cast was introduced, and each moved out onto the stage. When Polly’s name was announced, the theater reverberated with a standing ovation and thundering applause, and the star made her grand entrance.
    After a full five minutes of blowing kisses and holdingher hands to her heart and dabbing at fake tears with a Kleenex tissue, the cheers and bravas subsided. Polly sat on her throne and welcomed her admirers as well as the old cast from her classic television show.
    Over the next hour, the laughs and giggles from the audience came every fifteen seconds. They had come to see and be entertained by the great Polly Pepper, and were not disappointed. Only once, when Arnie Levin took off his shoe and threatened to “beat the crap out of you, Miss Laura F-ing Crawford,” did the audiences sit in silence until they erroneously decided that the appearance of hostility was a funny sketch routine.
    “‘Can you feel the love tonight?’” Polly sang a cappella to the crowd as Arnie chased Laura off the stage, with his shoe held high in the air. “We’re just like any other family—the Sopranos come to mind,” she laughed, and the audience laughed with her. Laura and Arnie eventually returned to their seats on the stage, and both stuck their tongues out at each other.
    “What’s a mother to do?” Polly teased as she looked at her costars and wrapped up her performance. She thanked the audience for their generous love and affection. “And don’t forget to take me home with you!” The stage manager walked out and handed Polly the boxed set collector’s edition of the most popular sketches from her legendary television series. “I’m all yours,” she said. “I also make a great gift for all occasions!”
    Laura Crawford spoke out and said, “Don’t forget, the supporting players always make a star look good. Buy these damned DVDs!”
    As the audience laughed at Laura’s famous potty mouth, Polly’s theme music played again and the cast took more bows. “Come back anytime … every time,” Polly called out. “We’re trapped, er, staying here, all week! Lucky you!”
    As soon as the cast was backstage and out of sight from fans’ eyes, Arnie roiled with furor at Laura. He walked upto his old costar and gave her a shove. “You miserable … no-talent … thieving … You stole my best lines! So help me, as God as my witness, the next time …”
    Laura shoved Arnie back. “Your comic timing stinks like the monkey cage at the zoo on a hot day in July,” she said. “You were never anything more than
third
banana, so thank me for getting you a job. I’m your meal ticket, and don’t forget it!” She looked at Tommy Milkwood. “The same goes for you, you whiney little sissy. If we don’t all do this show, none of us gets paid. So don’t think about quitting,” she spat, and flounced away.
    By now, Tim and Placenta were finished telling Polly how brilliant she had been, and were now wondering how the performers would ever be able to get through another show together. “Never fear,” Polly said. “Laura needs the money. We all do. She’ll be back on stage tomorrow, even if I have to kill her and prop up her body in that chair!”
    The next morning Placenta knocked on Polly’s door and used the spare key card to enter her stateroom. “There aren’t any windows in this darn place,” she said, and turned on a light. “It’s ten o’clock, but you can’t tell if it’s day or night!”
    Tim followed with a serving cart. “Is this what they mean by Kool Krooz cuisine? he asked. “Your breakfast’s been sitting outside in the corridor for God knows how long. The