Second Helpings Read Online Free PDF Page A

relative anonymity, as it spared me the embarrassment of apologizing about my origins with a reflexive, Yeah, I know. I live in the stankiest, hairiest crook within the armpit of the nation.
     
    Here at SPECIAL, my fears have been confirmed. Pineville is now as well known as its neighbors for not one but two different claims to fame: (1) The inspiration behind Miss Hyacinth Anastasia Wallaces book and motion picture. (2) The birthplace of gansta pap trailblazer Kayjay Johnson and the video bitch who broke his heart.
     
    I refuse to waste ink on the former because its only going to get worse in the coming months, a thought that makes me want to pull out my teeth one by one with a medieval dental instrument as my SPECIAL classmates cheer me on.
     
    I have avoided writing about the latter because I keep hoping that he will cross over into Where are they now? oblivion. But its clear that neither is going to happen anytime soon. Im known throughout the dorm as the girl from Pineville who knows the other girl from Pineville who went with Kayjay Johnson! So much for me wanting to establish an identity completely separate from Bridgets.
     
    Karl Joseph Johnson is a shoulda-been graduate of PHS Class of 1999. He was sent to juvie after the top-notch Pineville police department discovered that he was stealing his neighbors lawn mowers and selling them for crack money. (The giveaway? The Johnsons were the only family in the Bay Gate section of town whose lawn wasnt a weedy, overgrown mess.) But unlike every one of Pinevilles juvenile delin-quents before him, Johnson parlayed his petty criminal status into a full time career when he was rechristened Kayjay, one of the five demi-himbos in the baaaaaad boy band Hum-V.
     
    Because it is doubtful that Hum-V will be remembered in the annals of music history, I will briefly describe their contribution to popular culture here.
     
    Hum-V is what I predict will be the last teenybopper trifle to come off the Orlando assembly line, a group put together in a desperately calculated attempt to cash in on TRLs NSYNCEminem polarization, squeezing every last bit of air out of the barely breathing boy-band genre. Hum-Vs faux-funky jams and toothachey ballads sound as synth-cheesy as their nonthreatening, harmonizing predecessors, but their lyrics are painstakingly incendiary. Hum-V is the first boy band to earn a Parental Advisory Warning label.
     
    Kayjay was the most vocally challenged member, whose only reason for being in the group was because he had red hair and freckles. The evil geniuses behind Hum-V decided they needed Cute Redhead Freckled Juvie Boy to balance out the delicate yet deviant mix (the other four-fifths of which are Cute Baby-Faced Blond Sex Addict Boy, Cute Olive-Skinned Maybe-Italian, Maybe-Latino Junkie Boy, Cute Black Gangbanger Boy, and Cute Chinese-French-Canadian-Cuban-Swedish Multicultural Gay-Bashing Boy).
     
    Last spring, as the five Hum-V hunks poured over hundreds of eight-by-ten glossies to hand-pick the girls who would portray bitches in the video for their straight-to-the-middle single, Bitch (Y U B Trip-pin?), Kayjay instantly recognized the aspiring model Bridge Milhouse as none other than Pineville Highs Bridget Milhokovich, the blond babe who was ranked number one on the Fuckable Freshmen List when he was a senior. Kayjay never got a crack at her before he was bounced out of PHS because Bridget was still with Burke, as he had yet to cheat on her with Manda. So to make his high-school fantasy a reality, Kayjay picked Bridget to portray the bitch who b trippin on him. Their portion of the video plot involved screaming at each other, then kiss-and-making-up in a torrential downpour, all shot in the slo-mo style that signifies heavy emotional stuff in the music video world.
     
    Neither the wrath of his then-girlfriend, Shyla, from the girl group Jillbait nor the fire-hose rain could put out the fire of Kayjays desire. (Hmm that sounds familiar. Oh, no. I think