Second Helpings
thats a line from the Hum-V Song. Christ.) Kayjay was smitten with Bridge Milhouse and was obsessed with winning her over. Bridget is a sucker for glamour and couldnt resist his offer to be his arm candy for important PR ops like movie premieres, awards shows, and parties thrown by people hed never met. Incredibly, it only took one such outing for Bridget to discover that fame had only expanded the dimensions of Kayjays sphincter.
     
    He was, like, the biggest asshole Id ever gone out with, she reported to a rapt audience at PHS the Monday morning after the big date.
     
    Considering that Bitch (Y U B Trippin?) peaked at number 8 on TRL and barely cracked the Billboard chart, Hum-Vs appearance on the covers of teenybopper bibles continues to baffle me. Apparently, Hum-Vs small but intense fan basethe Hummers, as they call themselvesguarantees that Kayjay enjoys a cushy existence that has little to do with Hum-Vs overall popularity. They are also responsible for the relentless haterade spewed on message boards toward the blond ho from the video who broke poor Kayjays heart months after their one and only and very insignificant date. Bridget has vowed to never, ever date a celebrity (or quasi-celebrity) again.
     
    Unless its, like, James Dean back from the dead, she says.
     
    Well, thats sensible, I say.
     
    Though the relationship tanked, this little credit on her resume has already made Bridget the envy of all the other girls in SPECIALS acting program. Still, I realized that her notoriety had spread beyond the world of wanna-be actress-models when my roommate recognized Bridget right away. My roommate just happens to be Hum-Vs biggest fan, or so she shrieks.
     
    You might have noticed my roommates conspicuous absence from my journal thus far. Every time I picked up this journal to start writing, shed hover over my shoulder and say, Youre writing about me , arent you???
     
    This is just one of many quirks Ive observed about the person with whom Im supposed to share a room for the next three weeks and five days. For the time being, I will stick to irrefutable facts, untainted by my cynical analysis. Weve still got a long haul ahead of us and I dont want to damn her right away with my first, second, and third impressions, as my character analyses are usually for shit. I could very well find out tomorrow that she really is cool, despite surface characteristics that indicate otherwise. If I avoid jumping to conclusions now, I wont have to feel guilty about all the mean things Ill most likely write about her later.
     
    So here are the facts and just the facts:
     
    Name: Mary Call Me Chantalle DePasquale.
     
    Hometown: Huntsdale, which means she is from the wealthiest town in the wealthiest county in the wealthiest state in the wealthiest nation in the world.
     
    Long-Term Goal: Principal dancer with the American Ballet Company.
     
    Short-Term Goal: To share an unspecified intimate moment with each and every one of the Lucky Seven. Ack.
     
    Aesthetic Icon: Its hard to tell. Her body is so teeny that her head looks supersized in comparison, giving her the appearance of a lollipop in a tutu. She makes me (at five-foot-five and 105 boobless, assless pounds) look like a WWF she-male.
     
    Telltale Quote: Call me Chantalle. These were her first words to me. Is Chantalle your middle name? I asked. Call. Me. Chantalle, she replied. Then she ripped Mary DePasquales toe shoe off the door, the only evidence that her birth name was more spinster than Parisian prostitute. This switch is fitting, considering it took her less than twenty-four hours to provide Derek, the vocal music hottie, with a manual release. Unspecified Intimate Moment #1. Ack. The thing that really irks me about Call Me Chantalles name change is that its precisely the kind of summer identity-morphing that I cant get away with. Damn that Bridget!
     
    Potentially Troubling Fact: On the bookshelves above her bed, Call Me Chantalle displays three foot-high
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