Searching for Beautiful Read Online Free PDF Page A

think you should,” Ellie adds. “Even just the mall or something. You can’t spend all your time locked in the house like…”
    My father?
    A hermit?
    The loneliest person in the world?
    I feel like them all. I don’t think there will be a day when I don’t feel like I’m all of those things. Maybe that’s the way it should be. There isn’t an answer book to this type of thing.
    “What about Ian?” Diana adds. “You’ve been ignoring him. All he wants is to be there for you, Brynn. We all do.” I know it’s true; I do, at least with her and Ellie. But knowing and reacting are two different things. I can’t make myself do the latter.
    My lips stretch into a half smile to placate them. I don’t tell them Ian is calling me less and less. That I’m not calling him at all, though I’m sure they know that part, since I’m not calling them, either. “I’m tired… I don’t know…” My mom is gone! I want to tell them. My best friend in the world is gone and I hate the way things were left between us. Why can’t they understand?
    “Okay, so you relax tonight, but you have to go to Ian’s birthday party tomorrow. That’s, like, a girlfriend duty.” Ellie comes over and sits next to me on the bed. “I know you miss her…”
    If she knows, then why is she talking to me about girlfriend duty? Parties and movies don’t mean anything to me right now.
    “God, she was the coolest, right? Your mom was so awesome. I always wished she was mine.” This from Diana.
    “Oh, you remember that one time…”
    They launch into stories about my mom. Stories about her like she was theirs. Like they miss her as much as I do. Like it’s okay to sit here and talk about her as though it’s not a big deal that she’s gone. It is a big deal. The biggest deal, and they’re laughing and talking and I hate that I can’t do it, too. I hate that I’m mad at them for it.
    They go straight from that into Ian’s party and what they’re wearing and, oh, Brynn, I think you should wear , and I nod when I’m supposed to and reply when I’m supposed to, but somehow their words leave me feeling more and more empty inside.
    For some reason, I don’t want to share my thoughts or memories of her with them right now. I don’t want anyone else to talk about her.
    That’s a lie. I want Dad to talk about her.
    “Brynn? Did you hear me?” I snap out of it and look at Diana.
    She frowns and grabs my hand. “You didn’t even hear any of that, did you?” She doesn’t give me time to answer before she continues. “I know you’re sad and we get that, but we can’t help if you don’t talk to us. Talk to someone. Your mom would want that.”
    It’s those words that shove me over the edge. I can’t believe they would tell me what my mom wants. That they think they can say to talk it out and I just can. She didn’t have to find her mom dead.
    Clay mixes with water down the drain as I wash my hands. I’m still frowning, still annoyed at Mom, but my eyes keep flashing to the vase I just made and I can’t stop thinking… She would love it. I love it, but I know she would even more. Mom’s always been into thinner, longer designs and that’s exactly how this one came out.
    As frustrated as I am at her, excitement still skitters through me when I think of how she’ll react when she sees it. Mom loves it when I create things. It feels good to make her proud that she picked me.
    But she also had an attitude with me today for no reason. She’s been on my back all day. Serves her right if I don’t show it to her right now.
    Deciding against telling her, I turn off the faucet in my pottery room and head for the door.
    I count the steps from my room to the back door. Fifteen. Shaking my head, I giggle when I think of how crazy it is to count my movements as though that will make it take longer to get inside. I’ve already been out here longer than I need to be, so I finally just push the door open.
    See her legs on the floor as I