Science...For Her! Read Online Free PDF Page A

shower. Immediately call 911.
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    You’re at the grocery store! Isn’t this fun? Head to the potato section. Find two potatoes that are particularly large and starchy. If you aren’t sure which potatoes to get, ask one of the greengrocers for help. He’ll love the chance to be of service!
    Note: If you were assaulted by a greengrocer follow step 7. If you were not, skip to step 8.
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    Do not shower. Immediately call 911 after you buy the potatoes that he recommends (he still knows his stuff, after all).
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    Buy the potatoes. Drive home— carefully! Strap the potatoes into the passenger seat as a precaution, lest you get in an accident on the way home due to your poor spatial reasoning. Don’t become too attached, though—they are NOT your babies! They are potatoes!
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    Have your husband/father/milkman google “how to make a potato clock” online. It involves nails, wires, etc. Very complicated.
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    Make him make one for you.
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    Now’s the part where you set the time. It’s a little subjective—you’re going to have to feel out deep within yourself when you think the all-encompassing urge to have children is going to take full control of your life and mind and body. One thing to look out for is that maybe it’s already happened and the urge you’re feeling within you is a six-month-old fetus. Once you’ve decided on a year and date and time for your biological clock, have your husband set the clock face that he put on your clock when he made it for you.
    Note: If you were assaulted by your husband, follow step 12. If you were not, skip to step 13.
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    No worries—if it’s your husband, it doesn’t really count! Feel free to shower!
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    Congrats! You’ve made your biological potato clock! You go, girl!!!!!

How Long Should You Wait?
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    How long should you wait after meeting someone to have sex? It’s one of history’s greatest unsolved mysteries, right up with the Bermuda Triangle and where Waldo is (lost him again). But I finally have an answer for you. How long should you wait? No more than ten minutes after meeting someone. Preferably under seven. FIG. 1.6

    FIG. 1.6
    This is not the advice you’d expect from a woman, necessarily. It’s widely believed that women tell each other to wait months, even weeks, to have sex with a man. This is SABOTAGE. Women are giving this piece of “advice” to each other so that they can swoop in and steal that man while their reluctant and gullible friend is waiting abstinently. One woman telling another woman to “wait” is a very smart evolutionary tactic to become impregnated with the seed, or “not in my hair,” of the strongest male of the tribe. This has been proven incontrovertibly by science, or “number-words.”
    Back when men and women were cavemen who lived in caves, women were the more aggressive sex and would often fish men’s condoms out of the cave-trash to steal their seed. FIG. 1.7 This later evolved into a more passive-aggressive approach where cavewomen would have cave margaritas and tell their girlfriends to respect themselves, and then, when their cavefriends were in another part of the cave blending up the ice for the next round of ’ritas in the VitaMix, the savvy cavewoman would stay behind and have lots of hot caveboyfriend-stealing sex, the moans and grunts of which were conveniently drowned out by the loud blender sound.

    FIG. 1.7
    Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I would like to divulge that my best friend Tiffany basically started boning my boyfriend Xander right after we’d broken up while the three of us were spelunking in the Lava Tube Caves in Bend, Oregon. That has nothing to do with this scientifically based truth-based essay and never will!
    When someone is perfect, you do NOT want to mess it up by having sex at the wrong time and letting your best girlfriend get in the way and have your baby. That’s why you should have sex as soon as possible, preferably within the first ten minutes of