Science...For Her! Read Online Free PDF Page B

pounds, 34DDD, my name is Heidi Klum, and I’m the model Heidi Klum.)
    Have you ever seen a baby? Or, if you’re blind, have you ever touched a baby’s face and smelled a baby’s face and used echolocation to tell what color it is? They are crazy nasty looking. Also, they’re passive-aggressive and love to give the silent treatment. Also, they always try to out-pants-poop me in a pants-pooping contest (as of November 4, 2014, I’m still undefeated).
    Some more fun facts: an average baby is approximately six metres long and thirty-one fluid ounces in metric circumference; in comparison, a normal vagina is at most one kilolitre in diametre (SOURCE: British Association of Metric Measurements and Also Obstetrics). Pushing a baby out of your body is like pushing a watermelon through your vagina, and, trust me, that was not a fun Cancun Spring Break 2004 drinking game. The only thing I want coming out of my body is a contented sigh when I’ve eaten an extra-tasty Toblerone in my baby-free bachelorette pad filled with non-baby-proofed coffee-table corners and sharp Toblerone vending machines.
    How about the money issues? I can’t afford a child, let alone a kid. With modern science, babies will soon live to be one hundred years old and will grow to be thirty feet tall. Do you realize how much it costs to buy baby food for one hundred years? Diapers alone are thousands of dollars each, if you prescribe to the old wives’ tale that you should only use Gutenberg Bible pages as diapers. I need all the money I can get for adult things like coffins and tax-themed Mad Libs. People with babies don’t get to be adults anymore. I would hate to give up my right to my height-restricted dinner parties. Call me crazy and Heidi Klum, but I just don’t think it’s worth it.
    Sure, sometimes I get bored and lonely without a baby. There are only so many times you can stage an intervention for your blow-up sex-doll gal pal, even though she really needs to know that she doesn’t have to sleep with guys just to feel pretty. And there are only so many times you can buy three blow-up sex dolls and pretend to be Sex and the City . But even though my biological clock might be saying, “Have a baby,” my biological cell phone voicemail message is saying, “Enjoy your twenties and don’t have a baby,” and my biological fridge is saying, “Eat that cottage cheese, it’s still good.”
    So, trust me: babies are the worst. No babies, no staying up all night. No having to share the strained peas and mashed pears you’ve always enjoyed solo. No having to give them fake names like Apple or Anderson Cooper. Always remember, babies are for the weak. And listen to my biological mouth when it says, “My name is Heidi Klum.”

Rebuttal
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    You should have babies! FIG. 1.10

    FIG. 1.10

Cell-Fasteem!
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    Cells are the basic unit of structure in every living thing, from your mom Michelle to my aunt Michelle (OMG, babe—we’re cousins!). Cells were first discovered by Robert Hooke in 1665, who looked at cork under a microscope and thought that it looked like it was made of cute little bubbles, how fun, what girl doesn’t like a lavender bubble bath now and again! Then he took the bottle of chardonnay that the cork came out of and poured himself a chilled glass of white wine, which led later scientists to believe he was a homosexual. Ladies, a tip: if your man drinks white wine, he’s probably gay. If he drinks red wine, on the other hand, he’s probably . . . gay. All men are gay! Ugh! FIG. 1.11
    Cells are sacs of fluid that are reinforced by proteins. They’re held together with membranes . Without cells, you would just break apart in a gush of chemicals that would just goosh onto the floor and then no one would ever ask you to prom or to get married because you’d just be a smush of chemicals that just blooshed everywhere and you’d have no boobs to grab onto. Basically you’d look like Kristina did after she watched Nights in