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of you …”
    PROSECUTOR: … go on.
    B ERNARD: “I know I have the contours of a
pear
, and I'm ashamed of myself and I'm no good in
bed.”
    PROSECUTOR: Ah ha …
    B ERNARD: “And you're the loveliest thing that I've ever
seen
, and I'm unfit to even Gaze upon you,” night after night. “You're like a fine beer.” AND MY FRIENDS LOOKED AT YOU LIKE I'D BROUGHT HOME SOME TV
WEATHERMAN.
But, no no no, “I love you, Bernard. And I'll make a
home
for you, and I'll
protect
you …”
    PROSECUTOR: Are you crying?
(Pause)
Oh, are you crying?
    B ERNARD: Oh, do you think that's some Cheap Girlish Trick?
    PROSECUTOR:
(To phone)
One moment…
    B ERNARD: Do you think that's “unfair” ? To have “feelings” ? “Feelings” ? … now I've lost my contact. (BERNARD
starts crawling around on the floor.)
    PROSECUTOR: … go on …
    B ERNARD: … I've lost my contact…
    PROSECUTOR: … go on …
    B ERNARD: I don't want to go on. I want to be left alone.
    PROSECUTOR: Bunny …
    B ERNARD: Leave me alone.
    PROSECUTOR: Bunny I'm over here.
    B ERNARD: I don't care where you are. Go back to your work. Go to your priceless phone call. Go, go on with your “if it please the court,” sick Macho
bullshit:
Mumbo Jumbo, Habeas Gumbo … I've lost my contact… Put the World in Prison. Maybe that will compensate you for your lack of self-esteem. I'm done. I'm done … I've burned the roast.
You
clean the fucking pan. I'm sorry for you.
(He exits)
    PROSECUTOR:
(TO
PHONE) Hello?
(Pause)
A friend. What business is it of yours?
(Pause)
Yeah, I heard you.
(Pause)
And how would that bring peace to the Md-dle East?
(Pause)
Well, too bad, ‘cause you get your ass and your client's ass into court tomorrow at ten A.M.
(Pause)
The judge is not sick, he has hay fever. He'll be there and
you
be there … I don't give a fuck about the Mddle East.
Fuck you.
    B ERNARD:
(Reentering)
Just two things: One,
    PROSECUTOR: Yes?
    B ERNARD: I'm sorry for you.
    PROSECUTOR:
Are
you?
    B ERNARD: And two: Yes, I am. And two: A paste of baking soda and water left in the pan will scrub it clean effortlessly, overnight. Fuck you.
{He exits.)

SCENE FOUR
    The courtroom. Day.
    All are present, save the
JUDGE ,
who enters somewhat bedraggled.
    BAILIFF: All rise.
    JUDGE: What time is it?
    BAILIFF: Your Honor, it is nine A.M.
    JUDGE: At night?
(Pause)
    BAILIFF: Your Honor, no.
    JUDGE: All right.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, thank you for coming in early … this may to your ears, be somewhat more-than-unusual. But, I
believe
that we, in these extraordinary circumstances, have today, an opportunity. You know in ancient times the court was, at once, the seat of justice, and of law, of religion, and of political discourse. A “meeting house,” if you will. A forum, in which the community aired, exercised, and so
improved
its commerce, morals, and, in this case, its foreign relations.
    JUDGE: … where am I… ?
(Pause)
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor … (JUDGE
holds up a paper.)
    JUDGE: What is this?
    BAILIFF: Your Honor, it is a request for continuance …
    JUDGE: … continuance …
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, I think that we possess, today, an opportunity …
    JUDGE: …
what
is this … ?
    BAILIFF: Your Honor, it's …
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: If it please the Court. It is a piece of paper.
    JUDGE: I S it made from “wheat” ?
    PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I believe, that it is made from wood pulp. If it please the court, you have before you a request for continuance, on the part of the defense, which this office most strenuously opposes. On the following grounds.
    DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor. Here, today, in this city. The representatives of two historically warring powers are convened. My client and I…
    JUDGE: Might I have a glass of water?
    BAILIFF: There's one before Your Honor.
    JUDGE: Did I take my pill?
    BAILIFF: I believe, Your Honor, yes … (JUDGE
takes a pill.)
I believe Your Honor
did
take Your Honor's pill.
    JUDGE: Well, now, I'm sure. Now, uh, now, urn perhaps