Return to Poughkeepsie Read Online Free PDF Page B

anything worth getting a medal for in the last year. And for Eve, I need to do better. Be better. I’ve done such…fucking evil.”
    Cole seemed to process the information before answering. “Living with previous sins is tough, and making choices is hard for you without resorting to anger. You know, if you can fly over an ocean in a plane, why swim it?”
    “Not sure I’m following.” Beckett knew there was no easy answer, but at least they hadn’t laughed at the thought of a clean Beckett.
    Blake cleared his throat. “Can I be blunt? I mean, I don’t want you to take it the wrong way.”
    Beckett nodded. “Brother, there’s not a single thing you could do to me, including punching me in the face, that I would ever take the wrong way.”
    “All right. You did a lot of bad things. We’re not even going to pretend. But that was a quick way to the top of the heap, yeah? You decided to make sure Cole and I were safe, and you did it.” Blake stood and paced.
    Beckett nodded again.
    “We were young, right? What the hell are eighteen-year-old kids supposed to know about the world? But that’s how you got things done. And I think you got used to that. Changing who you are? That’s hard. Like, when I had to go out in the sun? For Livia, I could do it once, twice. But I had to do it for myself if it was going to last. There were habits Eve made me break. Or better, she made me realize what I was doing and told me I needed to make a better choice.” He paused. “This seems weird, I know.”
    “No, I want your advice.” Beckett braced himself.
    “What I’m saying is, it’ll have to be a battle for you. It’ll be hard not to take the easy way of solving a problem. Not that fighting is easy, but it’s the way you know, and I imagine for you it’s easier than listening and sometimes letting things go. I think you just need to try to live day to day like a guy who doesn’t kill for a living. Let things unfold after that.” Blake looked a little worried as he finished.
    “Yeah. That’ll be hard,” Beckett said slowly. “I mean, this last year it’s sort of just been me making the same choices I used to make because I was protecting you guys…only now, punching a guy is just hurting him. There’s no higher cause—and I’m not saying I haven’t done lots of things just ’cause I fucking felt like it over the years, but at least I started for a reason.” Beckett sighed and ran his hands over his face. “Since I left I’ve basically been running, trying to stay under the radar, and fucking failing over and over.” He shrugged. “It just feels wrong. It’s not what I really want to be doing.”
    He paused to look at each of them. “Have things here been all right? Has anyone crawled out of the fucking debris I left here to mess with either of you?”
    Blake shook his head. “It’s been fine. We miss you. Eve checks in, by the way. So you know, when she calls she asks all kinds of weird, pointed questions, and I know she’s trying to figure out if any of your enemies are angling on us.”
    “I should’ve left someone here to protect you.” Beckett rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand.
    Cole shook his head. “Beck, we’re men. As much as we love you, we do have a set of balls. And neither of us was a bottle-fed kitten growing up. It’s okay for you to live your life, do what you need to do.”
    The only sound for a while was the wind howling. Beckett sighed. “I just don’t know where to start. I mean, what do I do to be someone different?”
    “You have to be you,” Blake said. “But maybe try an experiment. Find a safe town where no one knows you, get a freaking job, and see. See what it’s like to just be.”
    Cole stood, and Beckett rose from his place on the floor. Blake came and patted him on the back. “I could always use a backup singer down at the bar.”
    “Hey, did that guy come listen? What’d he say?” Beckett knew it had to be good news, because Blake’s