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for nearly six years. We joke that it was kismet that we both bought computers the same week and happened to try out a new dating site. Neither one of us was into the bar sceneto meet people. It was even more amusing that he lived about five minutes from me. We both shopped at the same Stop & Shop supermarket around the corner.
    I had been on three disastrous dates in the past couple of weeks with men I met on the site when David and I struck up a conversation online. His emails were sincere and funny, so I decided to meet him. I dropped Justin off at my friend’s house and told her, “This is absolutely the last date I’m going on.”
    We planned to meet at a local restaurant, and when I saw David waiting outside for me, I was relieved that it seemed he had been truthful in his online profile. He had a full head of dark hair, a kind, handsome face, and he looked fit in his red sweater. At dinner, David seemed a little nervous, and it took a while for him to start talking. I thought it was cute that he was sort of shy. We exchanged the first date preliminaries, much like a job interview. Where we worked, details of our kids, status of our relationships with our ex-spouses. When he talked about his sons, I could see how devoted he was to them and to doing the best for them, which further endeared him to me. We agreed that divorce was a complicated thing for adults, and even more confusing for the kids who have no vote in the outcome.
    After dinner, we made the evening last a little longer by taking a walk and talking more. We weren’t running out of conversation—a very good sign, I thought. By the end of the evening, we had been laughing quite a lot.
    After three failed marriages, I was being very careful about whom I got involved with, so at the end of this evening, I held out my hand to shake his. David looked hurt and asked if he couldkiss me good night. It tickled me to be asked, and we kissed in the parking lot quickly. It was enough, though, to recognize a spark of passion between us.
    I tried to stay objective as we got more seriously involved, remembering my earlier therapy sessions that pointed to my propensity to throw out reason when I fell for someone. I looked in my self-help books and found the notes I made about why I had chosen the wrong mates in the past.
    I told myself I didn’t want to get married again since I was so bad at it. My primary responsibility, I felt, was raising my son. David and I had conversations early on about how neither of us was looking for a long-term relationship. He was so newly divorced and still in the throes of adjusting. In fact, we didn’t even meet each other’s children for quite awhile. We dated on the off weekends when our ex-spouses had the kids, negotiating our schedules so they coincided. Then, of course, it all changed when we fell in love.
    I had made long lists of the traits of my three past husbands and corresponded elements of my childhood to my choices. It had been an awakening for me to recognize the similarities in the three men that I had thought were so different. They were all very critical of me, something I didn’t see myself until friends pointed it out, about everything from what I wore to my cooking. They all shared an insecurity that manifested in putting me down in some way. Each one was emotionally distant, not wanting to talk about feelings or issues between us. All but one had trouble showing affection.
    By the time I met David, I was prepared to put all that self-work to good use. It was a lot to track in a new relationship. I mentally went through my checklist as the relationship evolved, and it was passing all the preliminary screening. We talked openly about how we felt about our past. David was accessible and honest. He was the most stable person I had ever been involved with and had been at the same insurance company for twenty years when we met. And although he was shy at first, once he opened up, he made me laugh more than anyone I had