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We would hang around all day, even after visiting hours were over. My father always told some joke that got her laughing. Sometimes she’d even have to tell him to stop. My mother would give him “the look,” and he’d settle down. Most often, though, he’d make her laugh again at least once before we left. He always left her with a laugh, but when we left, he was like a deflated balloon. When my mother stayed behind in New York and he and I would go home alone, it was always a silent ride.
    When I was in second grade, I had eye surgery to correct my crossed eyes. I remember expecting the same level of drama that surrounded Linda whenever she went to the hospital.
    But when I packed my pajamas, slippers, and Tiny Tears doll in Linda’s usual hospital suitcase, no one acted like it was much of a big deal. It was as if I were going to a sleepover party.
    Linda looked a little worried when I left with my parents. She hugged me and said, “Don’t worry, Jude, you’ll be home before you know it!” That made me feel better, and I tried to make myself remember to say that to her the next time she left.
    The hospital in New York City was gigantic inside, and even though I was holding my mother’s hand, I felt lost.
    Everything was white metal and glass. The ceiling was so high I had to put my head all the way back to see it. People were moving everywhere around me, but I couldn’t hear them. They were silent walkers in white and green. I shivered with goose bumps.
    The doctor explained something about putting me to sleep for the operation with “magic gas” so he could fix my eyes with tiny tools. I pictured him tying knots in the muscles in my eyes to make them tighter, pulling my eyeballs to the center.
    We went up to the fourth floor and into a long hallway full of beds. I counted fifteen before we got to mine.
    A nurse pulled a curtain all the way around my bed, and I changed into the hospital nightgown. It was very thin, and I shivered more.
    I had expected that my mother would stay with me at the hospital, as she always did with Linda, but on the elevator myfather talked about how they were going home and would be leaving soon.
    “We’ll be here when you have the surgery tomorrow, kiddo,” he said. He smiled and squeezed my shoulder, but I was having none of it and shook him off.
    My mother put a shopping bag next to my bed with the books she brought for me. She went to a sink down the hall and filled a water pitcher, put it on my nightstand next to a plastic cup, fluffed the pillows behind my back, and tucked my Tiny Tears doll in next to me. She looked as if she wanted to stay, but my father took her hand and they gave me a hug and left.
    I couldn’t catch my breath, and my eyes filled up when I watched them walk away down the hall. I thought about how Linda did this all the time and tried to be a “good little soldier” like her. But there was no one to see me do it, so I just curled up with Tiny Tears.

chapter ten

    2005
    T HIS AFTERNOON IS quiet at home. Justin is still at school, and David won’t be home from work for a few more hours. The energy in the house is different when I’m alone here. David is my best friend and confidant. We talk through dinners about our day, what’s on our minds, our schedules, the news we heard. Even though we’ve been married a short time, we seem to have a shared past. Maybe because we are nearly the exact same age, or because we grew up in similar suburban New Jersey towns and come from Jewish backgrounds. Whatever the reason, we have felt like old souls from the beginning of our relationship. I can count on his steadiness in any situation, and I am spoiled by this man who puts my feelings and happiness ahead of his own. At times, I think he is too good for me.
    David and I were early adopters of online dating in 1997. He was just coming out of a divorce and was struggling to make a new life for himself while still being there for his three sons. I had been divorced