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Sonny,” I started. “He accused Connor and I of having an affair, then went berserk, hit Connor, and left. You know about as much about where he went and what he was thinking as I do. What are you asking?”
     
    “I’m not sure.”
     
    “If you don’t have the balls to ask it, then don’t think it.”
     
    He must have known I would defend Joel. I knew what he was asking, it was a terrible thought to entertain, but the motive was there. So was the letter.
     
    I moved inside and shut the door behind me.
     
    *****
     
    On my way to Joel’s room that same evening, I caught Freddy and Kevin mid-conversation in the hallway. Satisfied they hadn’t heard me, I eavesdropped.
     
    “Why wouldn’t we follow Earl?” That was Kevin. “Earl knows what he’s doing, shit, he counseled Joel half the time.”
     
    “I’m not against it Kev, I’m not. If I have to make the choice I’ll stand behind Earl. Sara’s the only other person here to rally behind and I’m not getting behind a girl, Joel’s girlfriend or not.”
     
    I winced and choked down indignation at Fred’s insult. What was worse was that they had already written Joel off. I bowed my head, fiddling with the cup in my hands, fighting to keep my mouth shut.
     
    “That’s what I mean, Fred. Sara will have Seth and Caroline on her side for sure, and I’m guessing Sid. I think he and Caroline are sleeping together.”
     
    “I’m pretty sure Sonny is behind Earl. He wants revenge on those prick flags as much as me.”
     
    “Then the house is split. 4/4. How will we have a leader?” Kevin sounded perplexed.
     
    “Well, whatever happens, we’re stronger than they are. They couldn’t do much to stop us from taking control.”
     
    Jesus, Earl had his hooks in Fred. I almost dropped the glass in my hand.
     
    “Probably not,” agreed Kevin. “Two girls, a queer and Sidney.”
     
    “Queer?”
     
    “Yeah, pretty sure Seth is gay.” “Really?”
     
    “I don’t know, probably.”
     
    “Whatever. Listen, we’d better get back up to Skylab. You got the movies?”
     
    “Yup. Earl will like these,” I could hear the DVD’s shake in their boxes as Kevin rattled them. “Lots of blood and guts!”
     
    I listened as they left. It was a terrifying conversation to have overheard. Fred and Kevin had just pledged their allegiance to Earl, calling four friends nothing more than an inconvenience.
     
    Chapter Five
     
    Joel died the following day, making my nightmare complete. We buried him in the backyard, next to Connor. We were experiencing one of the most profoundly distressing periods in our short lives. This was comparable with losing our families in the initial blasts. This was what I’d remembered being lost felt like as a child. Panicked. I had lost my best friend, the man I’d loved - the knowledge that I would never have that back was suffocating me. I couldn’t bring myself to be at the funeral. I wasn’t with him. This was a final regret. I wasn’t at his side when he’d passed on. Had he asked for me? Had he spoken at all? I hadn’t asked Caroline. She had been with him. All I could feel was grief mixed with envy. She’d seen his final moments. I should never have agreed to sleep. I had exhausted myself with him all night. And so I had missed his final breath.
     
    *****
     
    In the very early hours of the morning, before Joel left me, I had laid with him in bed, under the covers, remembering something I’d said to him once. It was the night before the big fight with Connor. He had been exhausted (high no doubt) but he was lying in bed, looking contented. It was a look of calm.
     
    “I like you best like this,” I’d said to him.
     
    “On my back or asleep?”
     
    “Calm. At peace”
     
    He had that look now. No expression passed over his face as I listened to his shallow breathing.
     
    I laid there beside him, stroking his dirty blonde hair, keeping it out of his eyes at first, and then just repeating the motion.