would find myself laughing out loud with her as the stories became more ridiculous.
“He was an incredible person,” I said, and in saying that aloud, talking about him in past tense, I realized he was gone for good, physically at least. Caroline embraced me as the corners of my smile pulled downward. Caroline was a really good person, someone I wished I’d known better in life. She brought me back from the brink, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
I’d decided she would be the first to hear my news, something that would change everything. I had suspected it for months, and I had no way of being entirely certain yet. But sometimes you just know. And I knew.
“I’m pregnant, Caroline,” I told her as we sat on the back balcony, taking in a rare afternoon of clear blue skies.
Her mouth opened but no sound came. An expression of fear seemed to pass over her pretty face, a darkness that didn’t disappear for some time. Finally, after digesting what I’d told her, and all of its implications, she responded.
“Are you certain? I mean, could you be wrong?” A fair question: it wasn’t like we had any pregnancy tests on hand. I hadn’t had a period in about two months, but it was more than that. My body felt different -heavier. I felt already a yearning for it. To see this child I could feel growing inside me. I couldn’t have been more than 10 weeks along. But already I felt like a mother.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“That’s wonderful news, Sara.” She smiled, attempting true happiness, despite the circumstances. “Joel’s?”
“Yes, of course.” I took the defensive. “You didn’t believe anything Joel had accused me of with Connor did you?”
“You’d never said either way.” She lowered her head. I took her chin in my hand and brought her eyes to mine. “It’s Joel’s. My God, of course it’s Joel’s.” I shuddered, realizing I was the only one of us alive who could confirm or deny this. “Is that what the others think? Do they think I cheated on Joel with Connor?”
“No, I – I don’t know Sara. I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m sorry.”
“I just don’t want there to be any confusion when I tell everyone.” I already felt protective of my unborn child.
“Are you sick? What do they call it? Morning sickness?”
“Not really. Not everyone gets that though.”
“I guess not.” I could tell she wasn’t convinced of my state.
“Caroline,” I said, smiling. “I’m pregnant.”
Caroline finally smiled convincingly. The darkness disappeared. “It’s great news, Sara.”
“Thanks. I’m really scared, but excited too.” I stood and paced a moment. Turning to her I felt tears resurfacing. “It feels like an incredible amount of responsibility. And this isn’t exactly the best time or place to have a baby.”
Caroline stood too and placed her hands on my shoulders, calming my nerves. “People have been having babies in worse places than this. I’ll help of course, I’ll do whatever you need doing. And you’re a med student, or would have been…”
Had the world not taken a turn for the worse, I would have been at one of the finest universities in the country, pre-med. I had been given the opportunity in my final year of high school to co-op with the local hospital where I had witnessed two live births. I just shook my head and hugged her hard. She hugged me back.
Sharing the news had settled me into my new existence. Though I would miss Joel every time I laid my head down to sleep, in every room I entered and every time I looked in the shattered bathroom mirror, I would recover in the knowledge that he would live on in his child. And I would love this child more than I could ever have loved him. I would need to, to make up for the cruelty of bringing a new life into this uncertainty.
While I was making ready for a new life, Earl was making ready for a
“He was an incredible person,” I said, and in saying that aloud, talking about him in past tense, I realized he was gone for good, physically at least. Caroline embraced me as the corners of my smile pulled downward. Caroline was a really good person, someone I wished I’d known better in life. She brought me back from the brink, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
I’d decided she would be the first to hear my news, something that would change everything. I had suspected it for months, and I had no way of being entirely certain yet. But sometimes you just know. And I knew.
“I’m pregnant, Caroline,” I told her as we sat on the back balcony, taking in a rare afternoon of clear blue skies.
Her mouth opened but no sound came. An expression of fear seemed to pass over her pretty face, a darkness that didn’t disappear for some time. Finally, after digesting what I’d told her, and all of its implications, she responded.
“Are you certain? I mean, could you be wrong?” A fair question: it wasn’t like we had any pregnancy tests on hand. I hadn’t had a period in about two months, but it was more than that. My body felt different -heavier. I felt already a yearning for it. To see this child I could feel growing inside me. I couldn’t have been more than 10 weeks along. But already I felt like a mother.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“That’s wonderful news, Sara.” She smiled, attempting true happiness, despite the circumstances. “Joel’s?”
“Yes, of course.” I took the defensive. “You didn’t believe anything Joel had accused me of with Connor did you?”
“You’d never said either way.” She lowered her head. I took her chin in my hand and brought her eyes to mine. “It’s Joel’s. My God, of course it’s Joel’s.” I shuddered, realizing I was the only one of us alive who could confirm or deny this. “Is that what the others think? Do they think I cheated on Joel with Connor?”
“No, I – I don’t know Sara. I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m sorry.”
“I just don’t want there to be any confusion when I tell everyone.” I already felt protective of my unborn child.
“Are you sick? What do they call it? Morning sickness?”
“Not really. Not everyone gets that though.”
“I guess not.” I could tell she wasn’t convinced of my state.
“Caroline,” I said, smiling. “I’m pregnant.”
Caroline finally smiled convincingly. The darkness disappeared. “It’s great news, Sara.”
“Thanks. I’m really scared, but excited too.” I stood and paced a moment. Turning to her I felt tears resurfacing. “It feels like an incredible amount of responsibility. And this isn’t exactly the best time or place to have a baby.”
Caroline stood too and placed her hands on my shoulders, calming my nerves. “People have been having babies in worse places than this. I’ll help of course, I’ll do whatever you need doing. And you’re a med student, or would have been…”
Had the world not taken a turn for the worse, I would have been at one of the finest universities in the country, pre-med. I had been given the opportunity in my final year of high school to co-op with the local hospital where I had witnessed two live births. I just shook my head and hugged her hard. She hugged me back.
Sharing the news had settled me into my new existence. Though I would miss Joel every time I laid my head down to sleep, in every room I entered and every time I looked in the shattered bathroom mirror, I would recover in the knowledge that he would live on in his child. And I would love this child more than I could ever have loved him. I would need to, to make up for the cruelty of bringing a new life into this uncertainty.
While I was making ready for a new life, Earl was making ready for a
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