Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child Read Online Free PDF Page A

observational research later in the century would prove otherwise. Social psychologist Lois Murphy , for example, who conducted extensive observations and experiments with toddlers and preschoolers in the 1930s, showed that most small children are, by nature, primarily altruistic and empathetic toward one another, particularly toward another child in distress.
    With this growing belief in the intrinsic goodness of children, our society has been evolving since mid-century into another new era of parenting, one that deMause described as “the helping mode.” It is a period in which many parents are letting go of strict, authoritarian models by which they themselves may have been raised. Instead, more parents now believe their role is to assist children to develop according to their own interests, needs, and desires. To do this, parents are adopting what psychological theorist Diana Baumrind first referred to as an “authoritative” style of parenting . While authoritarian parents characteristically impose many limits and expect strict obedience without giving children explanations, authoritative parents set limits but are considerably more flexible, providing their children with explanations and lots of warmth. Baumrind also describes a third style of parenting she calls permissive , whereby parents are warm and communicative toward their children, but exert few limits on behavior. In studies of preschool children in the 1970s, Baumrind found that children of authoritarian parents tended to be conflicted and irritable, while children of permissive parents were often impulsive, aggressive, low in self-reliance, and low in achievement. But children of authoritative parents were most consistently cooperative, self-reliant, energetic, friendly, and achievement-oriented.
    Movement toward this less authoritarian, more responsive mode of parenting has been fueled by tremendous growth in our understanding of child psychology and the social behavior of families in the past twenty-five years. Social scientists have discovered, for example, that infants have an amazing ability to learn social and emotional cues from their parents, beginning at birth. We nowknow that when caregivers respond sensitively to babies’ cues—engaging in eye contact, taking turns at “baby talk,” and allowing babies to rest when they seem overstimulated—the babies learn early how to regulate their own emotions. These babies still get excited when that’s called for, but they are able to calm themselves down afterward.
    Studies have also shown that when infants have caretakers who don’t pay attention to these cues—say, a depressed mom who doesn’t talk to her baby, or an anxious dad who plays with the baby too hard and too long—the baby doesn’t develop the same knack for regulating his emotions. The baby may not learn that babbling gets attention, so he becomes quiet and passive, socially disengaged. Or, because he’s constantly stimulated, he may not get the chance to learn that sucking his thumb and stroking his blanket are good ways to calm down.
    Learning to calm down and focus attention become increasingly important as the baby matures. For one, these skills allow a child to be attentive to social cues from parents, caregivers, and others in their environment. Learning to be calm also helps the child to concentrate in learning situations and to focus on the achievement of specific tasks. And, as a child grows, it’s extremely helpful for learning how to share toys, pretend, and otherwise get along with playmates. Eventually, this so-called self-regulation skill can make a big difference in a child’s ability to enter new play groups, make new friends, and handle rejection when peers turn away.
    Awareness of this link between parents’ responsiveness and children’s emotional intelligence has grown in the past two or three decades. Countless books have been written for parents telling them how crucial it is that they provide