Princess Lessons Read Online Free PDF Page A

people—eat beef, so at least you know the cows aren’t
being slaughtered merely for their hides.]
    One pair of black pumps, heel no higher
than two inches.
    [Especially if a two-inch heel will make you as tall as your
boyfriend. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.]
    Evening sandals of gold or silver to be
worn with formal gown.

    [The preferred shoe for this princess is black leather, with yellow stitching. Yes, I am talking about
combat boots! Combat boots are the most comfortable thing you can wear (that’s
why soldiers wear them: they have to march for miles and miles, sometimes in
inclement weather).
    Plus combat boots make a
statement. They say: I refuse to conform to the petty rules laid out by
society’s fashionistas. I am just me, Mia Thermopolis, princess,
Greenpeace-supporter and high school student!!!!]
    Combat boots are not suitable footwear for a
princess.

Accessories
    Simple
strand of perfectly matched pearls for everyday wear.
    [Did you know that when a pearl is
extracted from an oyster, the oyster dies? So really, if you wear pearls, there
is a pile of dead oysters somewhere.]
    Matching pearl stud earrings.
    [Two dead oysters.]
    Â 
    Tasteful diamond studs, no smaller than one carat each, no larger
than three—a princess is never flashy.
    [I learned in World Civ that it is really important to make sure
that your diamonds were not mined in a foreign country that uses child slave
labor or engages in guerrilla warfare with neighboring villages. This is
something I have noticed they do not mention in those Diamonds Are Forever
ads.]
    Tiara, seventy-five
carats at least, for formal occasions.
    [See child labor/guerrilla warfare comment re: diamond
studs.]
    White cotton
elbow-length gloves.
    [These are actually very handy. When you are wearing white gloves
no one can see how badly you bit your fingernails while you were watching Smallville .]

    With a wardrobe of these items, no
woman—peasant or princess—can ever go wrong. From royal weddings to Wimbledon,
she will always be dressed to perfection. And looking the part is, of course,
key to being the part.
    Â 
    [But I think it might be more princesslike if you took the money
you would have spent on this wardrobe and donated it to Bide-A-Wee, the animal
welfare organization whose no-kill adoption centers have found homes for more
than one million unwanted pets in the century they have been in operation. But
that is just my opinion.]

    Grandmère’s ideal

    Mia’s
reality
PROPER TIARA
MAINTENANCE

    An essential part of any young princess’s wardrobe is, of course,
her tiara. There are many different types of sparkling head ornaments, from the
decorative comb to the ermine-lined papal miter. But perhaps the most
recognizable archetype of princesshood is the tiara.
    Tiaras are correctly worn approximately two to three inches from the
beginning of the hairline. Too close to the hairline gives one a slightly
Neanderthalic look: too far back, and the tiara will not be visible in those
all-important photos released to the press.
    A tiara may never be
worn at breakfast. In fact, it is gauche to don one’s tiara before eleven in
the morning, except in the event of a state funeral or royal wedding.
    Additionally, tiaras must not be worn:
    â€¢ Swimming
    â€¢ Horseback
riding
    â€¢ Waterskiing
    â€¢ Beneath hard hats
while touring construction sites
    â€¢ During a coup
d’état
    [Also, it’s a good idea not to
take your tiara out of its carrying case while you’re in a moving vehicle or on
a plane, because it could fly out of your hand and poke an innocent bystander
in the eye. Not that this ever happened to me. Except that one
time.]

IV.
    A Note from
Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

    You are probably as surprised as
I was to find out that being a princess isn’t all about being graceful and
having good manners and what you wear. There’s a bunch of other stuff,
involved,