Politically Correct Bedtime Stories Read Online Free PDF

mother-of-step, the queen, ordered me to be killed.’
    ‘See that? Internecine female vindictiveness!’
    ‘Don’t try and play the victim with us , kid!’
    ‘QUIET!’ boomed one of the men, who had flaming red hair and a nonhuman animal skin on his head. Snow White quickly realized that he was their leader and that her fate rested in his hands. ‘Explain yourself. What’s your name, and why have you really come here?’
    ‘My name is Snow White,’ she began, ‘and I’ve already told you: My mother-of-step, the queen, ordered a woodsperson to take me into the forest and kill me, but he took pity and told me to run away into the woods as far as I could.’
    ‘Just like a wommon,’ grumbled one of the men under his breath, ‘get a man to do her dirty work.’
    The leader held up his hands for silence. He said, ‘Well, Snow White, if that’s your story, I suppose we’ll have to believe you.’
    Snow White was beginning to resent her treatment but tried not to let it show. ‘And who are you people, anyway?’
    ‘We are known as the Seven Towering Giants,’ said the leader. Snow White’s suppression of a giggle did not go unnoticed. The leader continued. ‘We are towering in spirit and so are giants among the men of the forest. We used to earn our living by digging in our mines, but we decided that such a rape of the planet was immoral and short-sighted (besides, the bottom fell out of the metals market). So now we are dedicated stewards of the earth and live here in harmony with nature. To make ends meet, we also conduct retreats for men who need to get in touch with their primitive masculine identities.’
    ‘So what does that involve,’ asked Snow White, ‘aside from drinking milk straight from the carton?’
    ‘Your sarcasm is ill-advised,’ warned the leader of the Seven Towering Giants. ‘My fellow giants want to get rid of your corrupting feminine presence, and I might not be able to stop them, understand? My men, we must speak our hearts openly and honestly. Let us adjourn to the sweat lodge!’
    The seven little men scampered out of the front door, whooping and stripping off their clothes. Snow White didn’t know what to do while waiting. For fear of stepping on anything that might be scurrying about amid the debris on the floor, she stayed on the bed, although she did manage to make it without ever stepping off.
    Snow White heard drumming and shouts, and, soon after, the Seven Towering Giants came back into the cottage. They didn’t smell as bad as she thought they would, and thankfully they all wore loincloths.
    ‘Agggh! Look what she’s done to my bed! I want her out of here! I want to change my vote!’
    ‘Calm down, brother,’ said the leader. ‘Don’t you see? This is just what we were talking about: contrasts. We can better measure our progress as true men if there is a female around for comparison.’
    The men grumbled among themselves about the wisdom of this decision. But Snow White had had enough. ‘I resent being kept around like an object, just a yardstick for your egos and penises!’
    ‘Fair enough,’ the leader said. ‘You’re free to make your way back through the woods. Give our regards to the queen.’
    ‘Well, I suppose I can stay until I work out a new plan,’ she said.
    ‘Very well,’ said the leader, ‘but we have a few ground rules. No dusting. No tidying up. And no rinsing out underwear in the sink.’
    ‘And no peeking in the sweat lodge.’
    ‘And stay away from our drums.’
    Meanwhile, back at the castle, the queen rejoiced at the thought that her rival in beauty had been eliminated. She pottered around her boudoir reading Glamour and Elle , and indulged herself with three whole pieces of chocolate without purging. Later, she confidently strolled up to her magic mirror and asked her same, sad question:

    ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
    ‘Who’s the fairest one of all?’

    The mirror replied:

    ‘Your weight is perfect for your shape and