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she dumped Julius) kept her, for many years, the most powerful woman in the world.
    What is not generally remembered about the queen of the Nile was her fluency in nine languages, her skill at mathematics and military strategy, and her devotion to her country. Her profile graced the coins of not just Egypt but the Roman denarii as well, and circulated throughout the Mediterranean. It is unlikely the same will ever be said of Britney. Cleopatra truly was, as she considered herself, the New Isis, achieving in death by asp—Cleopatra chose to take her own life rather than become enslaved by her enemies—true immortality, according to the Egyptian religion.
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    [An asp, for those of you who don’t get Animal Planet, is a poisonous snake. And how cool would it be if money had Britney Spears’s picture on it? Like, if Britney were on the five-dollar bill? That would make buying things so much more fun!
    Although really, if you think about it, Cleopatra is more like the J. Lo of the ancient world. I mean, J. Lo’s likeness is on just about as much stuff. Let’s just hope her luck with boys turns out better, you know, than poor Cleo’s.]
    Lilly’s Random Act of Princess:
    Be like Cleo: Make a big entrance at YOUR next party or school event. You don’t have to roll yourself up in a carpet (dusty and impractical). But you CAN stride confidently through the doors, as if you own the place. Soon people will be looking up to YOU as the queen of the Nile.
    ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE
    Though she married King Louis VII of France at the age of fifteen, wealthy and intelligent Eleanor of Aquitaine wasn’t content to sit at home embroidering tapestries. When the Second Crusade rolled around, Eleanor dressed up in armor and with three hundred of her ladies-in-waiting in attendance, descended upon the city of Antioch, where she pledged to help tend to the wounded.
    A military strategist at heart, Eleanor disagreed with her husband’s objective of reaching Jerusalem. This is not unlike my own mother, who frequently disagrees with my father when he opts to take Route 130 instead of the Turnpike when we are headed to the Jersey shore for a weekend of familial bonding. Unlike my mother, however, when Eleanor’s husband, as she predicted, failed to reach his goal, she got the church to end their marriage by granting her an annulment. My own mother just gloats.
    Eleanor enjoyed immense popularity throughout Europe for having invented the idea of the “art of courtly love”—proper courting techniques, which she insisted her knights use whilst wooing their ladies. Her second husband, Henry, who was not exactly faithful, could have used some lessons in the art of courtly love…. It might have spared him his wife leading his own children in a rebellion against him, causing Henry to imprison her for fifteen years… much like what the Donald did to Ivana over the whole Marla Maples thing. Only Ivana’s prison was the Plaza.
    Don’t worry, though. Eleanor got her revenge on all of her enemies by outliving them, dying a very rich, very happy old lady.
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    [One thing Eleanor made popular in her court was picking lice out of her lover’s hair, then putting it in a locket and wearing it around her neck, as sort of proof that you were allowed close enough to the owner of the lice to pick it from his hair. I kid you not. Thank God today we just use sticky cameras.]
    Mia’s Random Act of Princess:
    Be like Eleanor: Compose a love sonnet dedicated to the object of your affections. You probably shouldn’t show it to him, though. He might run from you like a startled fawn, alarmed by the strength of your ardor.
    PRINCESS ARIEL

    Contrary to what Mia thinks, I don’t mean Princess Ariel the mermaid: I mean Thundarr the Barbarian’s friend—or possibly girlfriend. We will probably never know the true status of Ariel and Thundarr’s relationship, because this excellent