On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk Read Online Free PDF Page B

problem.
    NONNA . No, true, that’s the least of that kid’s problems. Trouble with friends, school always calling, the things we find in that backpack of his…
    REBECCA ( looking wearily at the camera ). Can we stop now, J.J.?
    Conclusions: I got more than I bargained for in this case study. You were right, Rebecca—that is one nightmare family you got there. And Nonna herself could be the star of some weird reality show. My Small, Cranky, Italian Nonna! or something like that. Anyway, in most families, people can barely remember their grandparents’ last names, let alone their great-great-great grandparents’ names, let alone whether or not they were jerks. So often there is a lot of guesswork involved. But Rebecca’s nonna had an encyclopedic knowledge of her entire huge family, and razor-sharp memories, even if they were mostly about old feuds and grudges. So even making allowances for Nonna’s lack of scientific objectivity, there seems to be evidence of a strong genetic line of jerks in Rebecca’s family. Like, four generations of jerks, most of them on the non-Nonna side of the family.
    For every jerk in a family, there’s always a bunch of nice people that somehow have to deal with them.
    Jerks and heredity could probably be a whole science project by itself. And you’d have to live about seven hundred years to really figure it all out. Gene scientists, good luck with all that. I’m fine with accepting that the science is unclear on the subject of jerks and heredity, and that it probably won’t be solved by an eighth grader in one chapter of his science project. (Full marks for effort, though, wouldn’t you say?)
    Scientific Illustration #4:
Rebecca’s Family Tree
    This is as close as I could get to illustrating (some of) Rebecca’s
family tree. Now remember, this is a science project, not an art
project. Therefore, the following stick people should just be
taken as representing people, not actually looking much like them.
The known jerks are the stick people with angry eyebrows and
the fuming marks coming off their heads. The non-jerks are the
ones smiling or looking uneasily at the jerk beside them.

CHAPTER 7
Jerks in Sports

    Like sun, water and soil for plants, sports provide the optimal environment in which jerks thrive. Many elements that contribute to prime jerkish behavior are found in sports—adrenaline, intensity, competition, pressure, physical contact and some spectators your own age. Is it any wonder jerks flourish?
    For example, you’re on an unexpected breakaway, skating faster than you’ve ever skated in your life. The ice is a blur. The crowd is screaming. You can hear your own heart pounding. There’s only the goalie between you and glory. You wind up and…BOOM! Some faster-skating jerk from your own team swoops in, strips the puck off you and scores. This is a very recent example (last night’s game) of jerks in sports, taken from my own hockey team. Faster-skating jerk, you know who you are.
    In my experience, sports tend to bring out the inner jerk in many people. Is it the competition? The adrenaline? The drive to be the best? The fact that referees can’t see or don’t call everything? The fact that some coaches never bench faster-skating jerks for stripping the puck off fellow teammates? Whatever the reason, stories about jerks in sport could fill a whole shelf of books. If we include professional athletes, a whole library. And we’d have to come up with a new, expanded scale.
    For this project, I only observed junior high school sports. Surprisingly, even where the stakes are really low, you can still manage to find some complete jerks.
    Do I have to be all sensitive-supportive and mention that for every jerk there’s a really great teammate/coach/fan that has a heart of gold and gives 110 percent for the team and blah, blah, blah? Obviously. If only jerks played sports, nobody else would