On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk Read Online Free PDF

research not going further than this project—in fact, she swore me to secrecy, so of course I agreed, and of course I’m even more interested in this family than I was before.
    I agreed to collect egg cartons and gross compost materials for Rebecca’s science project on seed growth, and to buy her a Slurpee sometime when a group of us go to the convenience store and it doesn’t look like a date.
    Subjects: Rebecca and her nonna (grandma in Italian)
    Laboratory: Rebecca’s house
    Experiment: To save Rebecca from writing it all down, I borrowed Rebecca’s family’s video camera to film the interview Rebecca had with Nonna. So just remember that I had to listen to this twice , once live and once typing it out. All in the interests of science…
    Observations: I had to heavily edit this interview (***indicates where I stopped and started), because, man, Nonna can talk. And it seems like there are about four thousand living members of Rebecca’s family, many of whom Nonna either viciously hates and/or never speaks to. I am unsure about her scientific objectivity.

    REBECCA ( nervously, looking at the camera ). So, Nonna, thank you for agreeing to be interviewed…
    NONNA ( suspiciously ). Who’s that? ( Points a finger at the camera. )
    REBECCA . I told you, Nonna. J.J. and I are interviewing you for research.
    NONNA ( with heavy sarcasm ). Oh yeah, right . Research . You think I was born yesterday? Becca, if you think at thirteen you’re going to have a boyfriend, you got another think coming! When I was thirteen…

    ( Nonna calms down and breezes through several generations of her family at a confusing rate, jumping from era to era, using lots of hand gestures and flipping her suspiciously black hair. She throws in bits of rumor, gossip and history. I’m not actually sure, but I think she mentions Napoleon. )
    REBECCA ( determinedly trying to bring Nonna back to the relevant points ). So your mother and father were nice, kind people…
    NONNA . Angels, angels.
    REBECCA . And Nonno ( looks at the camera )—my grandpa, who died many years ago— his father…
    NONNA . Was an angel. A wonderful man, Papa Silvio, so kind, so sweet…
    REBECCA . But Nonno’s mother, Rosa, you say was maybe not—
    NONNA . A she-devil! Mama Rosa…well, the rose smells sweet, but it has thorns! You make me speak this woman’s name? I remember the week before our wedding…

    REBECCA . So Nonno’s brother, Sergio, was a jerk, and his two sisters, Marta and Sophia, were jerks. And all of their twelve children are jerks. Is that what you’re telling me? Seriously, Nonna?
    NONNA ( with the satisfied air of somebody who has finally made her point ). Yes, yes. And their children’s children will be too, probably.
    REBECCA ( sighing ). Okay, let’s move on to you and Nonno. You had three children—Frank, Isabella (my mom) and Tania.
    NONNA . Angels, all of them angels. That thing with the police and Frankie? Garbage! Just garbage. The police made it up. Or they got the wrong guy. He was framed.
    REBECCA ( uneasily ). Well, he did get convicted…
    NONNA ( aggressively ). Who you going to believe? Your Nonna or some big-shot stranger sitting behind a desk in a courtroom?

    REBECCA ( her head resting on her hand ). I
     know that Frankie’s kids are wild, and that Tania never visits and never calls. But Mom
     says can you blame her? Anyway, Tania’s kids are okay. Sherrie and Brianne?
     They’re nice.
    NONNA . What do I know those kids? I never see them. Never…
    REBECCA ( quickly heading Nonna off from another rant ). But my mom and my dad are good people…
    NONNA . Your mother is an angel. Your dad? ( She shrugs. ) He’s okay.
    REBECCA . And they had four children. Me, Susannah, Conor and Brayden.
    NONNA . Such a stupid name, Brayden! Like the sound a donkey makes…
    REBECCA . Anyway , it’s not his name that’s the