My Dating Disasters Diary Read Online Free PDF Page B

her place
after school to 'discuss tactics'.
    Had been hoping for some practical advice but when
we got to her house she told me she had devised battery
of psychological profiling tests which she wanted me to
try.
    'How does this help me get a boyfriend?' I asked.
    'How can you possibly have a mature relationship
with someone else until you know your true inner self?'
Liz countered.
    'Don't want a mature relationship. Just want a
boyfriend to stop the stupid rumours.'
    But Liz was adamant and eventually, just to shut her
up, I gave in.
    'So,' Liz said, showing me pictures of fruits on
separate cards, 'if you could be one of these four fruits –
an apple, a pear, a grape or a banana – which would you
rather be?'
    'Don't want to be a fruit.'
    'But if you had to choose, which fruit would you be?'
Liz persisted.
    'OK, um, a date, I think.'
    'That's not one of the choices,' Liz complained crossly.
But then added curiously, 'But, erm, why a date?'
    'Most people don't like them so I probably wouldn't
get eaten.'
    Liz sighed and explained with exaggerated patience,
'Look, you idiot, fruits don't know they're fruits: they're
not aware of existing, so they've absolutely no fruity
consciousness. Therefore they don't care about being
eaten. OK?'
    'So what does it matter what kind of fruit I am then?' I
asked reasonably.
    Liz screamed, 'Just choose, OK! An apple. A pear. A
grape. Or a banana !'
    'All right, all right. A banana.'
    Liz wrote down my answer and moved on to the next
test. 'So if you could be one of these shapes, which would
you be? A circle, a square, a star or a triangle.'
    I didn't argue. 'A triangle.'
    'Good.' Liz noted my response again, then handed me
a piece of paper with an ink stain on it. 'Look carefully
and tell me what you see.'
    'Hmm – an ink stain?'
    Liz sighed. 'I know it's an ink stain – you're supposed
to say what it looks like.'
    'Doesn't look like anything.'
    'But if it did , what would it look like? Use your
imagination. Only people with serious personality
problems have no imagination,' Liz warned.
    I looked more closely at it. There was a long spiky bit
and what looked like smoke curling out the bottom. 'OK,
a rocket then.'
    Liz smiled happily and noted my answer down. 'I
think a pattern is beginning to emerge.'
    'What pattern?' I asked suspiciously.
    'Well,' she said, 'maybe I shouldn't tell you.'
    'And maybe you should. It's my personality after all.'
    'OK then, I suppose you do have a right to know,' Liz
agreed. 'The thing is, you, erm, seem to have an obsession
with boys and sex.'
    'Don't be stupid. Of course I don't.'
    'Well, you're probably not consciously aware of it, but
deep down, unconsciously , you're thinking about boys'
penises all the time.'
    'I so do not. Yuck. I don't think about them at all,' I
protested.
    'Do too,' Liz said. 'The tests don't lie the way people
can. Every single thing you chose – the banana, the
triangle and the rocket – is a phallic symbol.'
    'Phallic symbol?'
    'Shaped like a boy's penis,' Liz explained.
    This was mental. Probably something dreamed up by
that nutcase Freud again. 'That's totally mad, Liz. How is
a banana like a penis? It's nothing like it.'
    'Well, it's long and kind of tube-shaped. Unlike, say, an
apple, which you didn't choose – although you could
have.'
    'Bananas are also bendy and yellow,' I pointed out
incredulously. 'I think boys might be a bit worried if they
had a penis like that. Anyway, what about the triangle? A
triangle is definitely, totally, no way like a penis.'
    'More like a penis than a square, or any of the other
shapes though, isn't it?' Liz said. 'I mean, OK, if you'd
chosen a square, then fair enough, I'd have to say that's
not shaped like a penis, but—'
    'Finally you're talking sense—'
    'But you didn't,' Liz went on, ignoring my sarcasm.
'And then there's the rocket. Rockets are a lot like penises
if, OK, maybe a bit bigger than most.'
    'A bit bigger! And what about the smoke? Anyway, the
ink blob didn't look like