Mucked Up Read Online Free PDF Page A

female of any species would ever want to hook up with him, not even invertebrates. Obviously she’s just using Jack S to get back at me. I know it. That’s why she shuts me out all the time, that’s why she whispers stuff to Jack S and kind of laughs all the time, just loud enough so I can hear it. If she wants to completely destroy the Students Combined Underground Movement, then she’s doing a bloody good job of—
    ‘Tom?’
    Oh right, Lorraine’s got a scooper full of wet toilet paper. I don’t know how long she’s been waiting for me.
    ‘Sorry.’ I open my bin-liner for Lorraine and she puts in her wet toilet paper and none of it touches my hands.
    Lorraine has the best mouth, like her teeth and everything, it just works. Kind of getting a bit of a zing when I look at her emptying her scooper. Though truth is, I get a zing with about ninety-seven per cent of the girls I look at. But I’m talking about that extra-zingy super-zing that I only get with about three per cent of that ninety-seven per cent, whatever that is; maths craps me.
    This year I have had six proper extra-zingy super-zing-attacks:
    1. Sarah Zitzlaff with the frizzy hair and perfect teeth. It didn’t work out. She wouldn’t go with me to the bush dance when I asked her – she said it was cos of her boyfriend but I think the fact is, she was intimidated by me cos I am too indie/hip for her.
    2. Had a massive zing-thing for Nicole who comes from Sudan and has braids and is unbelievably super-smokin’ and also has perfect teeth. I even wrote a song for her (it was a song I originally wrote for Sarah Zitzlaff but changed the name Sarah to Nicole, easy, two syllables). But I never had the guts to ask her to the bush dance cos she has a twin sister named Nina and I thought it would hurt Nina’s feelings if I asked Nicole but not her: just me being really caring and sensitive. Also, I heard she does modelling and is dating a TV actor from New Zealand.
    3. This girl Camille who I sat next to in Maths once last term and I started falling in love with her but she said the wart on my arm made her feel like throwing up and could I cover it up. I think it had a negative effect on our relationship.
    4. The Valderamma, the hot-bodded super-spicy science teacher. Everybody gets an extra-zingy super-zing with the Valderamma, especially on Mondays when she wears her recessive jeans (that was an excellent science-joke that Ravo made up, he is the World Record Holder for Xtreme Hilarity).
    5. I had a dream where I kissed the Brandpower lady from the TV ads. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about her for the next few months, wearing her purple shirt and holding her anti-bacterial wipes. I know, I don’t understand it myself.
    6. And right now, here in the schoolyard, I am getting an extra-zingy super-zing with Lorraine Harun. How much would that make Jarrell jealous, hey, if I hooked up with Lorraine Harun? If me and Lorraine were sitting together all the time on the bench, all vommy-holding hands and stuff, how vommy-excellent would that be? If Jarrell wants to play games with me, then I’ll play games with her yeah.
    Me and Lorraine do some more cleaning. If I want to start something with her, I need to make my Zurb-move now. Talk to her properly, Zurb, say something interesting that she will like.
    ‘Hey Lorraine … uhhhh … you are very brave to wear that headscarf.’
    ‘Thanks, and you’re very brave to wear a T-shirt that says BOY.’
    She is funny-HOT.
    ‘Y’know Lorraine, you and I are kind of the same, you know?’
    ‘Uhhh really?’
    ‘Yeah, Jews and Muzzies.’
    ‘Muslims.’
    ‘Yeah. We’re kind of the same, we look the same and we’re both from the Middle East and we’re both not supposed to eat pig and we both like falafels. Falafels are hot and crunchy and a satisfying snack for lunch on the go.’
    Then she laughs. When she laughs, her face gets massively beautiful: her skin turns soft-dark, her eyes look huge. Y’know, this