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result that should be aimed at in theory. But unfortunately it has happened that, in practice, unscrupulous couples have tried dancing the Squint the way the coloured kids do it – to a quick tempo.’
    â€˜Which means?’ asked Colin.
    â€˜Which means that with alternating centres of gravity at bottom and top, and another intermediate mobile nodal point regrettably situated in the region of the loins, the fixed points – or pseudo-articulations – become the sternum and the knees.’
    Colin blushed.
    â€˜I see,’ he said.
    â€˜When this is done to a boogie rhythm,’ concluded Nicholas, ‘the obscenity of the dance generally dominates the hypnotic qualities of the music.’
    Colin was in a trance.
    â€˜Where did you learn the Squint?’ he asked Nicholas.
    â€˜My niece taught me …’ said Nicholas. ‘I worked out the complete theory of the Squint during a series of talks with my brother-in-law. He’s a practising Pythagorean, as Mr Colin is no doubt aware, sir, and did not find it very difficult to follow the method of the system. He even told me that he had calculated its principles nineteen years ago …’
    â€˜â€¦ Your niece is eighteen, isn’t she?’ asked Colin.
    â€˜And three months …’ corrected Nicholas. ‘Now if Mr Colin doesn’t need my services any more, sir, I’ll go back to have a look at what’s cooking in the kitchen.’
    â€˜Run along, Nicholas. And thanks,’ said Colin, taking off the record that had just finished playing.

9
    â€˜I think I’ll put on my camel suit and my noon-blue shirt, my tie with the scarlet and Sahara stripes, my punched suede shoes and my nasturtium and dromedary striped socks.
    â€˜But first of all I’ll give myself a wash and a shave and a check-up to make sure that there’s nothing missing.
    â€˜Then I’ll go and say to Nicholas in the kitchen “Nicholas, how would you like to come to a dance with me?”’
    â€˜Good Lord,’ said Nicholas, ‘if Mr Colin insists, then I shall have no alternative but to go. But if he should not insist, sir, then I should be delighted to take the opportunity to put several outstanding matters in order, the urgency of which is becoming imperative.’
    â€˜Would it be indiscreet of me, Nicholas, if I were to ask you what the hell you were talking about?’
    â€˜I am President,’ said Nicholas, ‘of the District Housekeepers Philosophical Society, and consequently am compelled to attend the maximum number of meetings that it holds.’
    â€˜Dare I ask, Nicholas, what the subject of today’s meeting is going to be?’
    â€˜We shall be discussing commitment. One of our members has discovered a connection between the various forms of commitment, beginning with Jean Pulse Heartre’s conception and then going on to the commitment of suicides, commitment to total abstinence, commitment to prison, to the flames, to memory, to writing, to a lunatic asylum – or commitment to duty – in particular, by housekeepers.’
    â€˜Chick would be very interested in that!’ said Colin.
    â€˜I’m extremely sorry,’ said Nicholas, ‘but the membership is very limited. We couldn’t possibly let Mr Chick come in. Housekeepers only, I’m afraid, sir.’
    â€˜Nicholas,’ asked Colin, ‘why do you always give them that ambiguous title?’
    â€˜No doubt Mr Colin will have noticed,’ said Nicholas, ‘that whereas it might remain comparatively harmless to refer to a gentleman keeping house as a housemaster, it would be very unseemly to speak similarly of a lady as a mistress. Therefore we choose to have a designation that embraces us all …’
    â€˜You’re quite right, of course, Nicholas. Now, in your opinion, do you think I’m likely to meet my soulmate today? … I’d like to meet one exactly