Memoirs of a Timelord Read Online Free PDF Page A

beast sneak up on me like this.
           Making a sound that musta been some kinda intergalactic snarl, the creature blubbered and jumped at me with enough force to knock me flat on my back.  With those fangs dripping slobber just a few inches away from my face I did the only thing I could think of: I punched the animal, right in the side of its big, nasty head.
           Bam!  Just like that the animal got off me and ran to the nearest corner whimpering.  I was pretty surprised.  I joke a lot about how hard I punch, but this was something new.  Finally I take the time see at what my DuNai eyes had been trying to tell me all along; namely that the creature I just punched was a Malooda, a common household pet in the Crozac region.  
           Oh shit...I think I just punched Lassie.  Seriously, what kind of asshole does that?  
           My blood froze as the room went dark.  Whatever it was that filled the doorway was huge.  I could see thick fur, and shoulders strong enough to rip the bumper off of a car.  I thought the Crozac dog was scary, but this was something on an entirely new scale.  With long muscular arms that hung almost to the ground, I felt like I was looking at Sasquatch on steroids.
           "Shouldn't you be dressed like Goldilocks?" He spoke in English, which surprised me almost as much as seeing his big, scary ass there in the doorway.  Still not a peep from the whispers...why didn't they warn me?
           "Goldilocks?" I was still a little stunned; it took me a few minutes to get the reference.  Mostly I was surprised this gorilla wasn't ripping me into bloody little pieces.
           "So you're the new girl, eh?" He looked me over.  "I wondered how long before the Boss sent you my way."
           "Who are you?" I tried to remember my manners and ask nicely.
           "I'm Bara, your predecessor.  I was the previous apprentice, which makes me your Kula." He held out a massive paw for me to shake.
           "Jenna." I answered as I tried to figure out how to grip a hand where all fingers were opposing.  Finally I muddle through a handshake and he moves away towards a rock wall.  A casual wave of his hand and the granite outcropping becomes a cozy little wet bar.  Another gesture and the rock-filled corner morphed into a big padded area with cushions and plush carpet. 
           "These're m' digs." He shrugged haplessly before throwing some ice into a tall glass.  "You were a Vodka drinker back on Earth, weren't you?"
           I was surprised at his insight.  "How'd you know?"
           "Because I been there.  We've met more than a few times, but I was always wearing a different face so you never knew I was the same guy." Pouring me a drink, he watched me with eyes in the back of his head.  It took a few minutes for me to realize he had eyeballs on the back of his hands too. 
           "Soooo, you know how to get to Earth?" I asked hopefully, thinking I'd found a shortcut home.
           "F'get about it." He casually dismissed me with a Jersey accent before holding out a tall glass of something milky.  "The boss already told you the deal.  You gotta find your own way home.  It's a rite of passage for Temporal Editors.  It's the DuNai way of proving that you got the skills to do the job.   As your Kula, I am the last person to help you cheat on your finals."
           "What exactly is a Kula?" I was finding no definition for that word in my databanks.  Odd.
           "It's part of DorLek's training process." Bara took a healthy swig from his own glass before wiping his mouth with the back of a long arm.  "After you become a Timelord, and you've been on your own long enough to be competent, you're expected to help tutor the next apprentice, show 'em the ropes, or maybe even help out in the orientation process.  Ya gotta remember that the Boss has a whole galaxy to run so he leaves a lotta the elementary stuff to people like Didra and the