Maternity Leave Read Online Free PDF Page A

a few times a month, but I’d memorized the ritual that was about to begin. First, my dad will accuse Jason of smoking and Jason will deny it. Jason’s defense is always unique: that he was in a car or house where someone, but not him, was smoking. After the arguing comes the test, which involves my dad smelling Jason’s left hand. Jason is notoriously anti-hygiene. He never washes his hands, brushes his teeth or wears deodorant. As a result, he never washes away the cigarette smell from his hands, which seems like the obvious solution to me. Another escape for Jason would be for him to smoke with his right hand, as my dad only smells his left hand. Jason has never tried either of these options. He is a smart kid, so I attribute this to the fact that he doesn’t give a shit. Every time my dad smells Jason’s left hand, it inevitably reeks of cigarettes. This causes my dad to become doubly pissed at Jason, for lying on top of smoking.
    This initial conversation typically lasts five minutes, with the argument spilling over into the first ten minutes or so of dinner. I took a seat to watch the show yet again.
    “Jason, did you smoke?” My dad asked.
    “No, I was in a room with smokers.”
    “Don’t lie to me.”
    “I swear to God, Dad. I did not smoke.”
    “Left hand?” Dad said, holding out his arm to grab Jason’s left hand for a sniff.
    “Why don’t you trust me?”
    “Because you’re a liar. Now turn that goddamn hat around and get over here. Why the hell do you wear that hat backwards? When I was a kid, you didn’t wear your hat backwards unless you were a fucking baseball catcher. Your dungarees are eight sizes too big so be careful not to trip on your way over here.” Jason walked over to my dad and gave him his left hand. My dad sniffed it, looked up, smiled, and said, “PUSSY!”
    Dad, Jason and John started cracking up and patting Jason on the back. I threw up in my mouth a little, as Jason said with a smile, “Wanna smell my breath for smoke?” In addition to grossing me out, this shocked me. It’s not that I think Jason doesn’t like women, but simply that he has a rather limited palate so cunnilingus was surprising. Jason’s taste buds had stopped evolving when he turned three years old. His diet consists of cookies, peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off, and cheese pizza. He will literally not try any new foods, claiming that everything else is gross and of a bad consistency. So it surprised me to find Jason ventured out and actually tasted pussy.
    Jason’s pussy fingers really lightened the mood after the cycling and smoking snafus, and dinner became fun. That is, until Jason fucked up the mood by punching my dad in the arm and telling him to “stop crunching.” My dad looked stunned even though he should have known it was coming, as Jason wasn’t wearing his headphones.
    Jason has a very severe case of Attention Deficit Disorder. His ADD manifests itself in all the normal ways in that he watches a lot of television, gets easily bored with activities, and can’t sit still. When Jason arrives somewhere, the first thing he wants to know is how long he’s going to be stuck there. Yet, he can watch television like it’s his job and often sits in front of it for hours at a time, foregoing food and sleep. Though these ADD quirks are bound to interfere with Jason’s ability to find a job and wife, I’m quite entertained by them, save one aspect of ADD that is quite obnoxious for friends and family alike.
    Jason doesn’t like the sound of breathing, crunching, chewing gum, sucking a lollipop, a spoon hitting the bottom of a bowl, clocks ticking or any other repetitive noise. I know a lot of people who say, “Oh, I’m like that too,” but that’s just when they’re trying to concentrate. Jason’s condition is constant. I can always tell when Jason has been to my house when I’m not there because he puts my clock in the refrigerator. Evidently, the refrigerator’s seal