Marie Antoinette Read Online Free PDF

councilors.” I was mortified. “I think you had best excuse yourself and bathe,” she said, her voice like ice.
Oh, dear Lord, have I ruined everything? How shall I ever make this up to Mama? I feel terrible. There is a note from Mama that I am to come to her apartments tomorrow morning.
May 6, 1769
Well, I have seen Mama. It was worse than I could have imagined in ways that I had never imagined. Mama did not scream or rant — and she has been known to do that before. No, she was still and silent. She just glared. She did not say a word for a full four minutes, I think, and she had dismissed her Ladies-in-Waiting and her guard! I have never known her to do this. Indeed, I had never in my life been alone with Mama until that moment. It felt very odd. After she dismissed them, she just continued to stare. And the minutes stretched on and on. Then she made two small gestures, but she made sure I was noticing. She twisted her wedding ring on her left third finger, and then she twisted the diamond ring of the Holy Roman Empire on the finger next to it. With these two small gestures I knew that I had failed in the most sacred tasks that had been put to me. I had endangered my marriage prospects and endangered the Empire. It was almost as if in these few seconds I could feel the hot breath of The Monster on all our backs. Then Mama said, “Get out!” and the words scalded the air.
May 7, 1769
I went to Father Confessor today. I wanted him to give me more rosaries to say than he did. I was hoping he would make me dress in scratchy wool and eat no meat, just porridge with no sugar for a week. But he didn’t. I must seek my own penance, I guess.
May 10, 1769
I have read the book of meditations Mama gave me for my last birthday. I have skipped two picnics. I have sat in the chapel for nearly ten hours over the past two days, and I refuse to eat meat.
May 11, 1769
Elizabeth came to my apartments today. She brought a plate of meat and a bowl of strong broth and a glass of ass’s milk. When I saw the ass’s milk, I knew Mama had to have had a hand in this.
Elizabeth behind those veils sees and understands more than anyone in the Court. She spoke softly. Her words stirred the veil like a summer breeze. “You want to wear a scratchy gown. You want a whip to beat yourself like the monks. You want only bread and water, and in that way you feel you can make it up to Mama. But Mama is so clever. She realizes that by saying nothing and giving you no penance this is the worst punishment of all. She is saying that there is no way you can make this up. And besides, she would never let you scratch your lovely skin with coarse material or not eat meat for fear the bloom will go out of your cheeks and then . . .”
And then I added, “I would be too ugly for the Dauphin.” The veil moved slowly up and down as Elizabeth nodded her head. “I understand,” I said.
Then she surprised me. For she said, “You don’t understand everything, Antonia.” I asked her what she meant. Then Elizabeth said the most astonishing thing. So I am writing every word down here as best as I can remember. “Mama has the power to punish you in this manner only insofar as you let her. Mama is skillful at filling people’s minds and bending their will to hers. But do not let her punish you in this way. What you did, yes, it was wrong. But it was not a sin, mortal or venial. She told Father Confessor not to give you many rosaries or severe penance because she knew she could do better. But Father Confessor would not have in any case. Father Confessor knows what is God’s domain and he knows what is Austria’s. You have sinned only against . . .”
“Austria,” I started to say.
But Elizabeth cut me off as sharply as I have ever heard her speak in my life. “No! Mama’s idea of Austria.” In that moment it was as if I could see straight through Elizabeth’s veils, and what I saw was a woman completely free, free of Mama, free of Austria, free of empires