Love's Illusions: A Novel Read Online Free PDF Page A

every street drug I could get my hands on, and until meeting Michael, fucking every man that came within 10 feet of me just to prove I could – to stop all this from being real, and here it was, staring me in the face again. Goddamn it! Worse of all though, I knew Bernie was telling me the truth.
    “Hmph,” I said putting some pieces of the story together in my mind. “A few days before he left town, I met him at the apartment for dinner – that must be why he asked me if I had talked to you when I was arranging it. He wanted to make sure you hadn’t said anything to me. After I told him I hadn’t seen you since I went to Mary Beth’s he agreed to meet. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Anyhow, that night at dinner, Stephen drank way too much and passed out. I played detective and went through his wallet and address book. I found the names and numbers of about 20 men – names I had never heard of before,” I said focusing on the cracks of the sidewalk again, and dabbing at the corners of my eyes with the Kleenex.
    With an astonished expression on his face, Bernie interrupted, “You did what? You went through his wallet and address book?” as if my actions were the crime of the century.
    My head popped up and I met his look head on. “Yeah, I did… Don’t look at me like that… You’d’ve done the same thing if you’d’ve been in my place, and don’t pretend you wouldn’t!” I snapped.
    “Well maybe, but I’m not sure I’d ever admit to doing it,” he replied, backing down immediately.
    “That’s not all I did… Weeks later after Stephen was gone, I confronted Joe, his boss at Marshall Fields. He… Well he said Stephen was gay, not straight. I asked about Leigh, and he told me he had gotten her to ‘pretend’ so I wouldn’t find out the truth. It was not a pleasant conversation. I called him a fuckin’ asshole and threw a glass vase that was on his desk across the room – it sounded great smashing against the wall. I should have done more damage before I left, but …” I said as my voice began to crack. Please God, oh please… keep the tears back.
    “I have to be the stupidest woman on the face of the earth – I honestly didn’t know, I still don’t know. I mean, I know , but well I… I just can’t accept it – not really. You haven’t told anyone, have you? I couldn’t bear it if everyone knew and… Stephen… I mean he wouldn’t want them all to know either…”
    “No, no I haven’t said anything,” he replied easing my concern some. “But what are you going to do now?”
    “Nothing, I’m not going to do anything. I guess I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking he’ll change his mind, come back… Shit I don’t know what to think, so… until I figure it all out I’m just doing nothing.” I hesitated. “Except right now, I’m going home and back to bed. I have to work tonight, and I’m tired.”
    Without any further farewell, I started walking towards the nearest bus stop – I just couldn’t talk any longer.
    ~~~~~~~~
    Sometimes I felt like I was losing my mind – if just one more random thought floated to the surface my brain would explode, plastering little pieces of itself to the walls, the ceiling and the floor. I could picture it happening: curlicues of whitish pink brain matter – I could see them attached to fragments of my skull with bits of hair all covered in blood just hanging there on the wall. The image was actually quite fascinating to me; I pictured myself moving from brain bit to brain bit as I walked around the room examining, poking, each and every piece. Now that is truly sick.
    No matter how hard I tried, the world seemed determined to pull me apart. I felt like two people in one body – one façade by day and another by night – a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as it were, and right now it felt like Dr. Jekyll was losing the battle. Last night I had puked on the sidewalk, and today Bernie told me he’s seen my husband