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decision, and other husbands are making it too. One man wrote:
    It was freeing to reflect on the fact that my wife was well-intentioned and good-hearted toward me, as she acknowledged. Sadly, I could misunderstand her heart. There were lots of things I didn’t know about her heart. For example, it turns out she had been going through postpartum depression. Understanding some things like that softened my heart a lot. I started to think more about how she might not be sensing my love for her, even though I was well-intentioned and good-hearted toward her.
    This husband “gets it.” He has made the right decision about his wife, and so can you regarding your spouse.
    EMERSON CAN’T PUT THINGS WHERE THEY BELONG
    I leave wet towels where they don’t belong. I leave a loaf of bread on the counter. I leave the cupboard doors open. I leave books stacked on the living room floor. I have an excuse, of course: I am mentally preoccupied. As Sarah says, “He is always thinking.” Sometimes I stun myself by what I do or don’t do. Looking back at the cupboard doors, I realize most of them are still open. I say to myself, Why didn’t I close those doors? Where was my mind? Or I leave towels lying on the bedroom floor instead of hanging them up in the bathroom. (By the way, this is where we’ve learned to keep things light, which releases tension. When Sarah dangles the towel in front of my face, I smile and say, “What a coincidence! I was just going to hang that towel up!”)
    Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a pig. But I am married to Sarah, who is the epitome of neatness and cleanliness, and I flunk by her standards. She is not a perfectionist, but she is logical. Why leave a towel on the bed when a rack is in the bathroom waiting for the towel? Why leave a cupboard door open when the hinge functions both ways? Why leave the books on the floor when it would only take a few seconds to put them on the bookshelf ?
    But Sarah has not concluded that this means I am out to ignore her or irritate her. She knows I am thinking of other things, that I am on autopilot as I come and go. Yet she has told me thousands of times, “Please pick things up and put them away.” Wouldn’t it be easy for her to say, “If you really loved me, you would listen to me”? Wouldn’t it be natural for her to explode in anger? Wouldn’t it be right for her to become doubtful of my good intentions? Wouldn’t it be right for her to start keeping track of the many things I do like this? After all, surely all this would prove she really doesn’t matter to me.
    But Sarah is able to see me in a more positive light because she has decided to believe that I do not purpose to be unresponsive and unloving, not in my deepest soul. She has made that decision, and so have other wives. One woman married more than thirty years says:
    As I look back, I realize how disrespectful I’ve come across. He is a naturally kind and compassionate man, very outgoing, and has the gift of serving (he’s always willing to do things for me on a moment’s notice) . . . truly a well-meaning, good-hearted man who has had sin in his life, like all of us. . . . I realize that maybe my expectations were too unreasonably high.
    Another wife adds:
    Since early in our marriage when he came across as really controlling and not listening to concerns that I would have, I didn’t see that he had feelings inside. I started the “in your face” bitter wife responses. Now I see more of his heart and am starting to understand what my words have done to him.
    These gals “get it” also. They’ve made a decision to change their approach, and so can you regarding your spouse.
    Yes, Sarah and I both have our faults. The Crazy Cycle always wants to spin, but we can control it by remembering the Love and Respect Connection. We know this works, and there is much I want to share about how and why it works. The first step is understanding just how husbands and wives communicate.

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