anti-inflammatories like they were candy love hearts, going through a handful of Naproxen every day.
Even the dangerous cortisone injections in those big needles, the ones they fire right into that band of tough connective tissue at the bottom of your foot, Iâve had those. They say youâre only supposed to take three of those in your whole life â thatâs all a regular person can handle â but the year before the trials, I got six in five months. I just kept going to different doctors, in different crowded clinics, guys who didnât know where Iâd been two weeks earlier. It was the same thing every time. Theyâd go through their whole spiel again, and Iâd pretend to pay close attention as they explained it all out.
âYou can only get three of these,â theyâd say, âjust three, you understand?â
Iâd look and nod my head seriously and sometimes Iâd even write the number down for them, a big loopy three on one of their little pads and Iâd underline it. Then Iâd hop right up onto their tissue covered table, rip off my sock, stick out my fucked-up foot, and brace myself for number 4 or number 5 or whatever came next.
It always got bad before the biggest competitions â like this one, or before the Olympic trials or if there was a big trip to China on the line or carding money. Youâd get stuck with this feeling like when youâre blowing up a balloon and you know youâre almost at the limit and youâre not sure if you should give it that little extra puff because there might still be room for a last bit of air, or it all might just explode in your face.
BURNER AND I started our warm-up jog about an hour before the race was scheduled to go. It took me a while to get started and for those first few minutes, I hobbled along doing the old-man shuffle until my body came back to me and my Achilles remembered what it was supposed to do. Burner was smooth right from the beginning. While I jerked up and down, fighting against the parts of myself that didnât want to do this anymore, he kind of hovered beside me flat and easy. We were like two people at the airport. He floated and seemed to move along without any effort â like one of those well-pressed, put-together guys who zooms past on the moving sidewalk â and I was like the slob with too many carry-on bags, huffing and puffing and dropping things, hauling all this extra stuff and just hoping to find the right gate. Even my breathing was heavier than it should have been.
We made a big loop out and around the stadium, winding our way up and down the quiet little side streets, past houses full of people who couldnât care less about what was happening just down the road. Burner and I had probably run thousands of miles together, but I was pretty sure these would be the last ones. Iâd been thinking about it for a while, but I decided it there, during that last little warm-up jog. I think all those houses where nobody cared kind of forced themselves into my head.
âThis is going to be it for me,â I told him, after about fifteen minutes.
âWhat do you mean âitâ?â
âThis is it. The last real ball-buster race for me. I think itâs over. Time to get on with everything else.â
It was easier than I thought it would be. All you had to do was say it. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt better and calmer, but Burner didnât take it the same way.
âWhat?â he said and he looked at me with this kind of confused sneer.
âCome on, Mikey. What else is there for you to do? You canât be finished. Youâve got lots more in the tank. You canât be one of those guys who gives it up and sits on the couch for a year eating chips and dip. Youâll never be the guy in the fun run, the guy with a walkman, the loser who wants to win his age-group. You canât just turn it off like that.â
I