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goodbyes just one day later to go sailing for two weeks. My sister had done enough for me recently; she’d earned the vacation. But even so, I felt like I’d been thrown into the deep end. Before she left she told me to give my friends and colleagues in Hamburg a call. Hardly anyone knew that I was living there yet.
    I said I would, but I didn’t phone anyone. I didn’t have the energy yet to talk to anyone about Bernd.
     
     
    Since they’d both been away, the minutes and hours were crawling by. I got a bad cold and blamed it for the way I was feeling. Everything I did took effort. Thinking of Ines and her lists, I wrote a plan for the week.
    Monday: Set up a mailbox.
    Tuesday: Go to the supermarket.
    Wednesday: Buy curtains for my office.
    Thursday: Go to the hairdresser.
    Friday: Buy flowers and window boxes.
    I didn’t achieve a single one of them. Everything was too much effort. I had to force myself just to shower and wash my hair each day. I hadn’t put makeup on in days. At six o’clock I put the television on and drank red wine, drank until the bottle was empty and I fell asleep in the chair. Somehow I still managed to brush my teeth and stumble to bed. Then I had a dream about Antje and Bernd and woke up at seven the next morning with my eyes puffy and red from crying.
    This was how the first few weeks of my new life went—gray, miserable, and immeasurable.
    On Friday evening Marleen phoned again. She was the first person I’d spoken to that day, and my voice was throaty and hoarse from smoking. I was also tipsy. The conversation lasted ten minutes and ended with her telling me she’d be getting on the twelve thirty train to see me the next day. Suddenly sobering up, I looked around my new apartment. I hadn’t done anything for days, there were clothes lying everywhere, unpacked boxes were still all over the hallway, and neither the bathroom nor the kitchen were clean.
    I made myself a cup of coffee and got down to work.
     
     
    I was on the platform before the train arrived. I’d showered, epilated my legs, plucked my eyebrows, blow-dried my hair, and put makeup on. Pulling on my best pair of jeans, I’d realized that they were at least a size too big for me. I thought of Antje’s constant diets and felt Charlotte smile. I saw Marleen right away. She was hauling three big bags filled with plants and a travel bag. Once she stood in front of me, she looked me up and down sternly.
    “You’re all thin and you look like crap. I can see we’ve got a lot of work to do.”
    Then she gave me a big hug.
    “First I want to see the finished apartment and dump these plants. They’re all offshoots; I bet you haven’t planted the balcony or the terrace yet. After that we’ll go shopping. Judging by how you look, I can well imagine what you don’t have in your fridge at the moment. Besides that I want to go clothes shopping, and only the best places, mind; I’ve got money burning a hole in my pocket.”
    Once we got to my apartment she was enthusiastic, not commenting on the fridge or the empty bottles stacked in the box under the kitchen counter.
     
     
    An hour later we drove into the parking lot in front of the supermarket. I had tried to go shopping here just once. My cart had already been half full when I got to the pet food aisle. I froze and thought, You’ll never buy cat food again. I looked at the contents of my cart. There was too much; I’d been buying for two people out of habit. As the tears came, I left the cart there and fled to my car.
    After that I just went to the gas station around the corner from time to time.
    There was a bottle bank in front of the supermarket. Marleen opened the trunk of the car and unloaded the box with my empty spoils.
    “Come on, I won’t say a word, but you can at least help me get rid of them.”
    There was a shocking number of bottles. An older couple looked over at us. I felt caught in the act and looked at Marleen guiltily. Unmoved, she threw one bottle