Letting Go (Healing Hearts) Read Online Free PDF Page A

behind her condo. Today.
    Romance, huh? They don’t know the first thing . . .
    Scanning the bookshelves from top to bottom, she plucked out the paperbacks that instigated a yearning for male attention and pitched them into the bag. As she dropped each book inside, a renewed sense of hope surged through her. By the time she’d filled the sack to the top, she felt empowered to take back her life and make better decisions.
    With a grunt, she hoisted the bag up and carried it to the large community dumpster in the alley behind her condo. Dropping the bag into the trash, she brushed her hands together with a sense of accomplishment, smiling for the first time in days.
    Next she went to the magazine rack and scanned the titles, noting how each focused on vanity. She flipped through several issues with a new perspective, each article stinging like tiny pins pricking her empty heart. Every picture or story centered on selfish behavior such as how to please a man, look beautiful, lose weight, and so on.
    The tips and beauty secrets that had given her energy and motivation in the past now felt like a noose around her neck. She picked up the phone and canceled each subscription, amazed by the freedom she suddenly felt. She scanned the living room for other offensive items, for things that contributed to her misery.
    I knew you’d look great in that, sweetheart. Come here.
    She marched into her bedroom and pulled open the top drawer of her dresser. Yanking out several lacy, slinky, revealing garments, she threw each one on the floor. She refused to shop at those specialty stores in the mall again.
    She choked when she spied her first real gift from Randy. She lifted her favorite cream-colored silk nightgown from the drawer. Burying her face in the satiny material, she reflected on their first night together in her condo. He had been so loving and tender.
    Oh, Randy . . . why did you have to be married?
    Having those items in her bedroom dresser only reminded her of the nights she’d spent with him in her home, nearly worshipping him. Her grief turned to anger. She refused to pine away for their lost relationship. She could never forgive him. Somehow she had to kill her feelings and find the strength to move on with her life.
    She emptied the drawer, carried the lingerie into the kitchen, and with her eyes closed stuffed them into the trash bin. But her newfound sense of empowerment was no match for the thought that she’d never be able to bear children or that she might even die. White spots danced in her vision, converging on each other.
    Twenty-nine seemed so young. Who’d want her now?
    She sank into the thick cushions of her couch and laid her head on her arms. The anticipation of her upcoming surgery constricted her lungs. She didn’t know if she could go through with it, especially not alone. She didn’t know a single person who would visit her because they cared. Maybe some people from the office would stop by out of duty, but not because they really wanted to know how she was doing.
    Who wanted to marry a woman who could never bear a child? Who would support her and take care of her while she recovered? What about her advocacy cases? And fighting for the children she desperately wanted to protect, the precious children who needed her?
    In the midst of her internal clamor, a self-destructive urge clawed at her. The thoughts crowding her mind blended in an eerie, enticing tone.
    You don’t have to suffer . . . Go ahead. Take those pain pills in your medicine cabinet. Spare yourself needless suffering.
    As she listened to the tormenting thoughts, the desire to give in to them pulled at her. She shuddered. Part of her wanted to fight, to assault the urge to take the easy way out. Yet the worn out, weak woman she’d suddenly become wanted to end it all.
    She fell from the couch to her knees. With tears streaming down her face, she cried a scream of agonized rage. “I can’t believe this is my life!”
    Crumpling on the